Happy New Years....

Just like that, the eagerly anticipated holiday season comes to a close. It was a good year, with a few resolutions for 2009.

• Lose weight.
• Potty train Emmy (sooner rather than later please!)
• Continue to work hard at work and do the best job I can do.
• Be a good friend, a good partner, and a great Mom.

Potty training is not going well - Em refuses to go on the potty - will hold pee/poop until we put a diaper on her for nap or bed. When awake, we constantly ask her if she wants to use the 'big one' (bathroom) and she has access to the regular potty whenever she is in the living room (most of the time). I just don't know where to go from here. I want to leave it for her to do and be ready for but it seems like we've gone backwards here.

Ugh

Happy New Year!

As I prepare myself to welcome in 2008, I can't say I am terribly sad to say goodbye to 2007. The past year has been the hardest year emotionally for me in my entire life, and not just because of Maddie, although she is obviously a big piece of it.

However, with the bad, came some good. Which is good, 'cause otherwise I would have been booked into the looney bin by now!

The Bad

• My father's addiction to gambling and where it has lead my parents
• Maddie's Pregnancy (by this I mean the blood pressure issues/Vertigo/sickness)
• My water breaking at 18 weeks
• Maddie dying at 18 weeks 1 day
• Delivering Maddie's body at 19 weeks 1 day, after a week of induction.
• Having my online friends fighting and a split of the baby board I was part of since I was preggo with Emmy
• Breaking my ankle, and being immobile for 8+ weeks

The Good

• The knowledge that my parent's are safe from their own demons for the time being
• Still being able to remember what Maddie's movements felt like. Little tip-taps.
• The fact I can remember Maddie's death and birth without crying, because it really is okay. Sure, I still get a twinge in my heart when I think about her, but my grief is not all-powerful and overwhelming like it was in the beginning. I will always miss her, but it's missing 'what could have been', not something I had any control over.
• Having such wonderful friends and family that stood by me when I was not the nicest person when dealing with my grief. They stuck through it, and are here today. I can't even begin to express how that makes me feel.
• Breaking my ankle so I had an excuse to quit a job that was absolutely life sucking. If I was mobile at the time, I would have jumped for joy!
• Getting my dream job a few weeks later
• Feeling like I am contributing, like I am a valued employee - it is such a confidence boost.
• That my lil family unit is happy, healthy and safe. We have a roof over our heads, lots of food to eat, and we are warm, comfortable and together.

There are more good than bad, and with my new job, I have felt so much positive energy run through me. These are the happiest days of my life (outside of when Emmy was born of course!)

I wish all of you a beautiful new year's, may you be happy, safe, and be surrounded by love. Thank you for reading my blog :-)