I work 3 full days next week. 8:30 am to 3:30 pm. Okay, not really full days, but read my above paragraph about being tired and you'll realize why this could be hard. Em is being watched by her Daddy for the next two weeks, and I will be sure to take Em's codeine meds with me so Dad can't use them to get a longer nap out of her! (okay, so I really don't think he would do that...at least he better not consider it!)
I spoke to my Mom last night for the first time in 9 months. Sadly, I realized that in the 9 months, nothing has changed. She is still the same, and is still trying to manipulate and con. I told her about Maddie when I was giving her crap about not even attempting to contact me...she didn't even know I was pregnant.
Our conversation about Maddie went like this:
Me: You know what Mom? It would have been nice to have a card from you to put in Em's baby book to recognize her first birthday. It would have been something, an effort on your part to recognize that she is your grandchild. Would have cost less than $2. How about her first Christmas? You missed that too, and you were IN PRINCE GEORGE. . There is not a single picture of you with your grandchild. Not one. You've seen her twice in 18 months, and the last 9 months, you've been gone. The only reason we are talking now is because I picked up the phone.
Mom: tries to apologize, blames it on Dad. Makes a joke, "So, did you have a baby in the 9 months we've been gone?"
Me: (Wrong thing to joke about to me) Actually, I did Mom. I was pregnant when you were here in December. Do you remember me being sick? That's why. The baby died. I delivered my daughter, and she was dead.
Mom: Oh, don't joke about things like that, Jan (says the woman who lied to us about having cancer for 5+ months)
Me: I'm not joking, Mom. Her name was Madison Kate, and she was born on March 6, 2007 at 5:55 am. If you had even attempted to be a part of our lives, you would have known this. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to face and I couldn't turn to my own Mom. Why? Because my Mom didn't care enough about us to give us an address, or even a phone number. Because my mom made us (meaning my brother and I) out to be the bad guys.
Mom: *mumbles*I don't know what I was expecting out of her, but I felt better that I got to say those things that were bothering me for months. Was I hurtful? Probably. Was I wrong? I don't think so. I don't like airing my family's dirty laundry to the Blogger world, but I could have been more harsh to her and it wouldn't even compare to the last 5 years and what they have pulled on the family.
Keith actually said to me last night that he was sorry. I asked him why. He replied "Because the Mom you are looking for, the Mom you need isn't there. Unless she has an epiphany on her deathbed, she never will be. And I'm sorry for that."
He's right. I've always sought out a Mom that wasn't there. This is not a new thing, she's never been there. I've always been the fat daughter, the not perfect daughter, the daughter who resembled her father much to her Mom's very vocal dismay, the not petite daughter. I still have never heard that my parent's are proud of me.
My name is Jan, and I have Mommy issues.
2 comments:
I'm sorry. What Keith said is so true though. I'm the same way with my dad, although I don't think he's quite in the same class as your mom, he's disappointed me, my sisters and my mother over and over. We were actually all talking about it tonight. No matter how many times it happens we still somehow hope that he'll step up and do the right thing, but that's just never going to happen...but we still hope anyway.
I don't know anything about the history between you and your mom, but it obviously doesn't sound good. I'm sorry for the relationship, or lack thereof, you have with her - it sounds like she really doesn't care what is going on in your life....and how sad is that. I think you did the right thing by making that attempt and calling her; I'm sure it was good for you to get that off your chest.
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