How I know I'm a Mom, reason 5,000,0000

As I was selecting music for my skookum 10 CD changer, half of the music selected was my preference...the other half was Emmy's. Apparently, Keith has no say. LOL


My name is Jan, and I'll be the one doing the hokey pokey on the way to dropping Em off at daycare.

My days as a SAHM are numbered...

And that number is 2. I go to work Tuesday afternoon. I have many, many mixed feelings about this. I am so sad about leaving Em, and yet there is a tiny part that is a bit excited about the opportunity.

August is the trial month. If I don't like it, or if Em has trouble adjusting...I will not continue. She is my first and ultimate priority. Financially, we are making ends meet right now, but it's always tight (like fish patties tight). This will give us some breathing room and maybe allow a splurge here or there. We'll see.

August is also the month of Em's follow up with the Orthopedic Surgeon. I believe her hips are fine, but the X-Rays will tell us for sure. It is also the month for shots and the follow up MMR vaccination. I am dreading that one since she had such a reaction at 12 months. (See picture below)

Em's new word

Just so you know....

Hiiiiiii-yup means "Hurry Up" and its what Em said, LOUDLY, in the drive-through at Tim Horton's yesterday. So loud that the worker actually said, "Did she tell me to hurry up???"

Yep. That's my kid.

Apparently, we need to have 'the talk' about politeness before she even has a full vocabulary.

It was SO FUNNY though, and truly you could not laugh. Which was good because right before that, we had a hellish trip to the drug store.

1. Got the stroller out of the back of the truck (can't wait to get a car, man!)
2. Get Em out of her car seat and *almost* put her in the stroller when I notice...
3. A big-ass spider on the seat. (I am arachnophobic). Holding Em in the air, I kick the stroller to see if the spider will kindly get off my kid's ride to no avail. I almost kick the stroller into traffic so I give up.
4. Put Em back in the truck.
5. Attempt to put the stroller into the truck without flipping it and getting the spider on me.
6. It's not going well.
7. Finally get it in by basically throwing it, then doing the heebie-jeebie dance in case the spider was unaware of my detest of it.
8. Get Em and carry her to the store.
9. Get a cart. Dig a loonie out of my purse for a cart, put my purse in the cart.
10. Put Em in the cart.
11. Grab my purse, miss, and it flips, emptying all over the ground. Change EVERYWHERE.
12. The cart has no seatbelt but tells you not to put a child in it without bucking them in. Thanks.
13. Try to pick up change while keeping curious Em in the cart. Thankfully, a kind passerby helped me.
14. Finally get into the store to buy my freaking razors since they were on freaking sale. So not worth the hassle.

And that's why I needed an iced coffee drink of yumminess.

Emerson - 17 months

A cute Emmy Story to tide you over..

Until I get out of my funk and back into regular posting.

We went for lunch with an old friend today. I haven't seen her in 6 years (at least!). She was showing Em and I her new car. As she opening the trunk, Em pipes up, "Oooooooh Woooooow" in her lil baby voice. IT WAS SO CUTE! We both cracked up at how perfectly timed it was.

Em's just started saying "wow"...and the littlest things are now utterly facinating, eliciting an "Ooooooooooh" or an "oh!!!!!" from her. So.Freaken.Cute.

I don't know and wouldn't want to know what my life would like without her. She's my Princess.

I'm sorry

I should get the bad blogger of the year award. I wish I had an excuse. I don't. I've been busy, but not more than usual.

Been sad, much more than usual. It's that time...the time when I should have had a newborn baby in my arms, and my daughter should have a baby sister she could touch. I'm really trying not to dwell, trying to keep myself busy with Em and life so I don't think of the day that is approaching, but it doesn't matter. Because the harder I try to ignore it, the more IN-MY-FACE it gets. I'm going for lunch with an old friend tommorow, one I haven't seen in 6 years, so that will keep my mind off things.

I had a dream last night where I was telling someone that I pumped 7 ounces of breastmilk. I don't know who I was telling since that never happened with Em at all. I was very proud of it though, showing off the container and everything. Apparently, I had a baby in the dream to feed that milk to? Who knows.

Anyhow, this is me, slugging through the days here. I'll be back, bear with me. Maddie's due date was July 30.

Whatever happened to Parenting?

I took Emmy to the waterspray park today. It's about the size of a corner store, with various water spraying and dumping things. It was busy. It's the hottest day of the year, so that shouldn't have surprised me.

I took Em, by the hand, just around the outskirts of the park to get her accustomed to the noise and the water. She was having fun, splashing in the puddles on the concrete. When a light-spray area quieted down, I picked her up and took her over to it.

She squealed as her hands played with the spray. She giggled as she felt the light spray on her face.

I put her down to see if she would walk through the spray. She did, squealing the whole time.

This would be the point that the two little shits decided to come up behind Emmy, and before I could even say anything, dumped a 2 L bottle of water over her head. Little Shit #2 actually used his super soaker on my 16 month old daughter who was trying to regain vision from the dousing she just took. She started to cry from it all.

I quickly grabbed Em and chastized the boys for picking on a TODDLER. I said that they need to find a willing playmate and not just surprise attack babies. Little shit #1 actually had the nerve to 'whatever' me. These boys were about 5 by my guess.

I turn around and come face-to-face with redneck jerk, who happens to be one of the little shits father. He lambasted me for chastizing his son. I replied, "If you would actually parent your child, I wouldn't have to." I explained what happened and he muttered something about 'expecting to get wet at a waterpark'. Well DUHHH, thanks for the update redneck jerk. My child was having FUN in the water before the two shits started bullying her. Redneck jerk told me to "Fuck off, Cunt" in front of, and within earshot of at least 20 children. Nice.

It took every ounce of reserve to just walk away. We went shopping and Em now has a pool of her own to play in to keep cool so Mommy doesn't have to go to the waterpark anytime soon.

Fun!

I'm here, I'm here, honest!

Wow, I've been busy these past two weeks which always means my blog suffers. My apologies to the possible 2.4 people that may read it. lol

I'll be back in full force tommorow, I promise.

I'm still on my no-Coke kick I've been bitchy as hell, having caffeine-withdrawl headaches AND I've gained 5 lbs. It's so fun to be me.

As far as the girl goes, well she's trying this "Let's see how little sleep Mom gets and still manages to function" thing these days. She hasn't slept past 4 am this week. Oh, I'm sorry. She slept till 4:30 am today. FUN.

Since we moved her upstairs, she's been sleeping good (till this week) and I've been sleeping like crap. I find myself waking several times a night to check on her. Crazy. No wonder I'm bitchy.

On Friday we had a bit of a scare. Apparently, I didn't cook the french toast quite enough and Em had an allergic reaction to the egg. She was all splotchy, bloodshot eyes from rubbing them, hives, and CRANKY. I rushed to the ER and luckily, she was just fine. I felt so bad. She's had eggs a few times before and no reaction. So, apparently Keith needs to cook all the meals since I'm incompetant! LOL I did learn though that if you bring a toddler in who is showing active signs of an allergic reaction, they don't make you wait. Go us! LOL

When it's time to change...

Monday, June 25th, 2007 will go down in history. It is the day I quit Coke. Yes, I am admitting to blog world that I am a recovering Coke addict. And before you all get me admitted to some drug rehab, I'm referring to the legal stuff in the red can, NOT the white powdery stuff. But if there are free donuts at rehab, I might be interested.

I've been drinking Coke for as long as I can remember. My Dad worked for Coke as I was growing up, therefore there were always superfluous amounts of caffeinated goodies around. Heck, some non-caffeinated ones too. It was all you-can-drink, 24-7 around my house. I don't once recall my parents trying to get me to drink something other than the ever-present pop in my hand. No wonder my teeth suck and I'm fat. Sheesh.

My brother and I were well-liked at class party time. My Dad would drop off a couple cases of A&W Root Beer, or some Sprite for the class to enjoy. It was probably the only reason I had any friends growing up. LOL

I am making this change to be a better example for Emmy, to be a healthier me, and hopefully, I'll shed some weight from this change. I quit smoking, so this should be a piece of cake comparitively. Wish me luck.

A little Mommy Talk

June 25: What was your favorite baby item that you could not live without?



I'll answer in the form of a picture. For me, my baby item that was non-negotiable (meaning if it broke I better get a new one now was...



The ironic part was that our original swing did break, and we did go get a new one. Then 32 days later, Em was put in the brace making the swing both unreturnable AND useless since she could't be in it with the brace.


It was worth the extra sleep for those 32 days though!

I've been ignoring my blog this week

because I've been addicted to Facebook. Facebook is evil. And that's all I've got to say about that.

Now, I have to reintroduce myself to Em. LOL

Things I Learned this Afternoon...

Things I learned this afternoon:

Madison was given an autopsy even though I expressly said I did not want one done. I only authorized genetic testing as I could not fathom thinking of them cutting my little baby up.

Madison did not have Down Syndrome despite the elevated risk on my triple screen (normal risk would have been 1 in 200 for my age, hers came back 1 in 62)

She did have 'multifactorial congenital heart failure' which would have caused her demise had my water not broken. The two problems with her heart were not compatible with life, and by all guesses, she would not have made it to term to have a chance for a transplant anyhow. We would not have known this if they didn't do an autopsy, so I guess I'll forgive the buggers for not listening to me. Wait, you bastards didn't listen to me! Jerks! It's okay, I forgive you. LOL

There was nothing I could have done to cause the heart issue, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

There is a slight risk of having the same heart issue happen again, but it is low.

As far as TTC'ing again...the OB is more open to the idea. He said if we want to, that I should go in a few month's before to get my blood pressure meds changed to pregnancy-happy ones, and to get started on folic acid. He also said that if I want him to tie my tubes, he will do that with no questions asked. It is completely up to me.

So now, we just decide what we want to do. That's the hard part.

Why do we get dressed up for the OBGYN?

Really, outside of the whole 'socially unacceptable' thing, why not just show up naked? You know you are going to end up that way. (My apologies for any visuals I just caused).

Today is the day for my OBGYN appointment to find out Maddie's genetic results. I have no reason to suspect that I will have to be naked for this appointment since all he has to do is read a piece of paper to me. However, I have yet to see this doctor without being 1/2 naked.

Ahh, but I am prepared this time. No surprising me with the unprepared-for-PAP exam. I shaved my legs last night in anticipation. However, today Mother Nature decided to bless me with my period, so the leg shaving was for naught. My last cycle was 33 days, this one is 26, so who knows when my next one will hit. lol

This unexpected period should make an emotional appointment just that much easier. Nothing like talking about the baby you lost when you are in the throws of PMS hell.

At least I'm wearing a pretty blouse. lol

A Little Mommy Talk

June 18: How were your first few weeks at home? Sleeping, eating habits? Any baby blues/post-partum issues?

The first few weeks at home were hard. I really had *no idea* what I was doing. Thankfully, Keith, who was equally as unprepared, helped me so much in those first few weeks. He let me sleep more than he slept a lot of the time (and he was working 9+ hours a day), he sent me to bed whenever I looked like I needed it, he picked up all those little things at the pharmacy that I never imagined he would. (Such as Lanolin, pads, hemmeroid cream, all the embarrassing stuff).

For the first week, Em slept for 45 minutes at a time. We were in non-sleeping baby hell. My milk didn't come in till Day 7 post-partum, and even when it did come in, the supply was nada (I can officially say this for certain since I had milk after Maddie's stillbirth and it was AMPLE. I NEVER had that with Em. So, Day 7 post-partum, we supplemented with formula. It was a good day LOL. Em slepts for 2 hour stretches once she figured we weren't trying to starve her on purpose. lol.

She was a good eater, and once the formula was added to the routine, she consistantly gained weight. She had reflux, which was the only eating related issue, but that passed by 6 months pp.

Surprisingly, I had no pp depression. Even with my long history of depression, I didn't get it. I am thankful for that.

HELP!

Someone in Blog-land must know this. See my little jpeg of The Opinionate Parent on the right? How do I make that a clickable link? Please help! I seem to have tried everything and I'm still stumped.

Thanks!

Are you actually watching GOLF????

Yes, yes he is.

It's Father's Day, so I won't give him too much grief. However, I would like to point out that Keith doesn't normally watch ANY sports on TV, hence my suprise when I saw golf being shown on our TV.

Me: "Are you actually watching golf?"
Keith: "It's high-definition golf. The colours are more vibrant."
Me: "That doesn't change the fact that you are watching golf. "

Keith, for lack of a better phrase, is a high-definition slut. He didn't complain (for the very first time in the 5+ years that we've been together) when I turned on Grease. Why? Say it with me now...because it was in high-definition. High-definition apparently makes musicals and the-most-boring-sports-to-watch-on-TV, viewable.

On more of a Father's Day note, Keith went out to mow the lawn, and Emmy kept waving at him through the front window. It quite possibly was the cutest thing I have ever seen. Thank goodness he finally saw her waving, and came over to the window to acknowledge her. (He pressed his face up against the window, which caused her to go into hysterics.)

The sun rises at 4:03 AM

I know, since Em and I witnessed it this morning.

I don't know if its night terrors or teeth, or what but Em occasionally wakes up absolutely hysterical. Normally, I can get her to go back to sleep, but today I was unable to.

From 4-5 AM, I attempted to get her to snuggle with me on the couch, while we checked out the late-night offerings of Treehouse. During this hour, she,

• Pinched my lip
• Pinched my cheeks
• Pinched my eyelids
• Attempted to pluck my eyelashes several times
• Pulled my hair, alternating from one or two strands to a big handful
• Attempted to poke out my eyeballs
• Bit various fingers on me

Ahh, the abuse we take to keep the child happy! I know she was actually just exploring, but it was getting brutal! LOL

A Little Mommy Talk

Today's question:

What was it like going home from the hospital for you? Did your baby have any medical issues?

Emerson was born at 7:39 PM on Feb 20, 2006. She spent her first night in the Special Care nursery as she was grunting (common with C-Section babies). Other than the grunting, she had low blood sugar and a slight heart murmur. Overall, I felt like we won the baby lottery.

Home was the hard part. The first week SUCKED and I had no clue what I was doing and yet they sent this baby home with me. I was in a lot of pain from the C-section and I was really emotional. However, by week 2, I was feeling much better, physically and mentally.

(If anyone from my baby board is reading this, a collective sigh was probably made when they realized I was about to babble about Hip Dysplasia AGAIN. LOL I would talk about it often when Em was in the brace. To the point of boredom for them...well, they never said so, but really, how exciting ARE my kids' hips?)

At 7 weeks of age (2 days shy of her 2 month birthday), Em was diagnosed with Hip Dysplasia. She was firstborn, breech, and female. Three of the main risk factors for Hip Dysplasia. Now, personally, I never heard of this in humans before my daughter was diagnosed. I honestly thought it was a canine disease as I had only heard of dogs getting it. How foolish I was.

Thankfully, the Pediatrician looking after Em in the hospital insists on an ultrasound at birth for all female breech births. Her first ultrasound was inconclusive, and we had to go back for another a few weeks later. I am SO thankful for his persistance, as early intervention is critical for treating Hip Dysplasia.

Em was fitted with a Pavlik Harness 2 days shy of her second month birthday. You can see the Harness in the pics below:

The harness kept her legs abducted, opened wide, and bent. Her legs couldn't straighten in the harness. It was to be worn 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with 1 hour a week being free for baths. (Meaning bathing her once a week which SUCKED as she had reflux and would get pretty smelly! lol). It also prevented her from using any 'fun stuff', like her swing, and later on, the Jumperoo and Exercauser. She did still fit in the bouncey seat.

The first few days were the worst as Em got used to the harness and not being able to 'stretch'. (She would often try to stretch, realize she couldn't, then she would start crying). By Day 3, she was a pro and was handling it much better than I was.

I hated the harness. I despised that it put a barrier between my daughter and I. My little baby girl could only be in certain positions, and breastfeeding was a nightmare, I had just gotten used to one way and I had to relearn new positions. She wasn't my floppy lil baby anymore - the brace kept her rigid. I was mad that I couldn't put her in all the cute clothes I had for her, and I was mad that my baby had to go through this. Looking back, and ESPECIALLY going through everything with Maddie, I laugh at this now. How silly I was. It was a brace. My baby was still there, she was breathing and for the most part pretty content with it. But at the time, it seemed like such a big deal.

She wore the harness for 8 weeks full-time. Then, after her hips were deemed 'fixed', she was weaned from the harness, only wearing it at night for 4 more weeks. 12 weeks in total. It seemed so long at the time, and so short now. Her orthopedic surgeon laughed so hard when I told him the story of the first day of weaning her from the harness. About 3 hours of freedom and Em started screaming. NOTHING would make her happy. So, in desperation, I put the harness back on her and SHE STOPPED CRYING. My child was finally free, and she wanted to be bound up again! He said he was going to tell all the newly diagnosed patients parents that story. lol

I am always so thankful that it only took that time in the harness to cure her Dysplasia. Many families, who might not have gotten diagnosed as early as Em, or just have a more stubborn case, go through much more than we did including multiple surgeries and spica casts. The Pavlik Harness is 95 percent effective if treatment is started and finished by the time the baby is 6 months old. Em was 2 days shy of 2 months when it was put on, and she was 5 months when it was taken off. She was a bit delayed in some physical milestones, but she was bound up for 3 months! She is now hitting her physical milestones at an absolutely normal time!

I'm still thinking we won the baby lottery. :-) How thankful I am for that.

Gonna wash that grey right out of my hair...

I'm going to need to after the past two days.

Yesterday, I bathed Em, then stood her up to get toweled off. As she stood there, she peed. Then she fell in her pee.

Back into the tub we go.

Keith came up to help and got his foot wet in the puddle of 'water' on the floor. I didn't tell him it was pee. You should of heard his whining over getting his sock wet with water...you don't want to hear it if he knew it was urine. lol

I grab Em back out of the tub, and stand her on the floor again to towel off. She takes off and heads straight for the non-gated staircase (its gated at the bottom of the stairs). I have never run so fast to catch something. I'm even including sports days in school, bouquets tossed at weddings, etc. I was SO FREAKED. I caught her about 1 foot before she got to the staircase. Keith mocked me for freaking. I ignored him for the rest of the evening.

Emmy using my glass as a handwashing station



This is where I found her after I returned to the living room after talking to her Dad for 2.9 nanoseconds:


Yes, she scaled her high chair. As she demonstrated how she did it when I put her back on the floor.



I'm off to count the grey hairs.

It's been 3 months...

Since Maddie was born, and I'm okay with it. I still have moments where I'm not, but they are fewer and fewer. Things happen for a reason, losing Maddie happened for a reason. My grief has taught me just how precious life is, and how never to take pregnancy for granted.

In my mind, I still have the image of Maddie after she was born. I can remember her little taps in my belly the day before she passed. I hope that I never forget those memories.

I miss you Maddie.

Love,

Mommy

My afternoon? Well, it sucked. Thanks for asking.

Em wakes up from her nap at 1:30. I make her some lunch. As I pop a piece of bread in the toaster, I hear the "pop" noise that tells me she is fiddling with the gate. Sure enough, she is halfway up the stairs when I get there.

She, instead of eating the wonderous foods I have provided, chooses to spread them, paint-like, all along the wall beside her highchair and throw her toast on the floor (landing jam side down of course.

She has a diaper explosion, causing me to give her a much-needed but unscheduled bath.

After her bath, I make some tomato soup for myself for lunch, and sit down to eat it as she plays. She toddles over to my food and wants to try it. I limit tomato foods as they tend to make her rashy, but get her a spoon to share the soup. We will often eat off the same plate as my food tastes better than hers, even if its the same thing! lol

She grabs the bowl and the entire thing dumps all over her AND the carpet. She starts crying, I freak out thinking she might be burned (since she was crying) and quickly try to assess whether she is or not (she wasn't, but sure did resemble a horror movie with all that tomato soup all over her).

Second unscheduled bath of the day.

I put her in the playpen after her bath so I can deal with the carpet mess. I get the steam cleaner out, which causes Em to cry and scream the entire time as she hates the vaccuum and the steam cleaner.

20 minutes of Em screaming later, and the carpet is clean.

I just sit down and Keith calls. I ask him to bring me home a Coke and he says, "Can't you go out when I get home and get one? I've had a bad day."

I'm sure you have. Ass.

After I wrote this bitch-session, Em smeared her afternoon snack all over my newly cleaned carpet. And all over herself. There was sticky Nutrigrain bits in her DIAPER (I didn't put clothes on her after bath #2). I would put her in the bath again but I'm just past caring any longer. The ants, there gonna come searching for my kid. LOL

I love my daughter, I love my daughter, I love my daughter.

A Little Mommy Talk

Monday, June 4, 2007

Today's request is to write out our birth stories...

Emerson's is located here in my blog already. http://babysaysbaff.blogspot.com/2006/02/welcome-to-world-miss-emerson-faith.html

Madison's birth

Now, Maddie's birth was obviously emotional as we knew she had passed away in utereo as of February 26, 2007. I was induced unsuccessfully from Feb 26-March 2nd, and then sent home to relax over the weekend. The following is Maddie's birth story that I posted a week after Maddie's birth on my baby board.

On Monday, March 5th, at 8 am Keith and I walked up the hallway at PGRH that would take me to Labor and Delivery. This would be my second visit to the ward to be induced, as the induction the previous week (Feb 27-March 2) failed.

We were led to room 214, a different room from last week's 208 (which was the same room I was in for Em's birth). Sharon was my nurse which made me happy as she and I got along well. She expressed surprise that the induction didn't work the previous week, or that I hadn't gone into labor on my own over the weekend.

She told me to get changed, and she would go page Dr. Kingston (the OBGYN) to come get my induction started. Keith kissed me goodbye and says he will call at 10 am to see what is going on. He leaves for work. I spoke to Sharon about 'the power of positive thinking' and how this was going to work today because I didn't want to be away from Keith and Em for another 4 days. She agreed it would work.

Less than 10 minutes later, Dr. Kingston strides into my room. I laugh and tell him that was pretty damn quick being that he was just being paged 10 minutes ago. He laughed and said he was in the hospital already. He sits on my bed and explains that instead of taking the induction drugs orally as I did last week, we would try them vaginally this time. They didn't work orally and they have a better track record being used vaginally. He indicated that they would monitor me closely for signs of infection which was the reason he didn't want to go this route last week. I agree as I didn't want to revisit the failed induction of last week.

Sharon comes in and Dr. Kingston goes over the insertion process with her. It's definitely more invasive as the Mistoprostol is inserted vaginally and sits on the cervix to dissolve. Good news is that we can start at the highest dose, bad news is the nurses have to vaginally insert it every 4 hours. At 9:30(ish), my first dose is inserted and I set up my DVD player to watch videos and my notebook to write in as I wait. At 10 am, Sharon brings me some toast as I have to take my blood pressure meds. We chat about things and I eat my breakfast and take my meds.

At 11 am, the nurse comes to insert my IV. They had difficulties with this last week (took a minimum of 4 tries each time) as I have terrible veins. My arms are bruised from the attempts last week, and I was not looking forward to repeating the experience. Thankfully, the nurse manages to get it going in the first try! Wooohooo!

At 12:30 PM, lunch is brought in. I eat and await my next induction meds. At 1:30 PM, Sharon comes in to insert the meds again. I am feeling a bit discouraged as I didn't feel any different so far. She said the pills from the morning had dissolved, which was good. (Sometimes they can sit in there and not dissolve.) Feeling a bit discouraged, I settle down and watch Friends, Season 1 on the DVD player.

At 5:30, after eating dinner, Sharon comes in to insert the next dose. She is surprised as the 1 PM dose didn't dissolve. She places the new dose against my cervix and repositions the 1 PM dose so it will dissolve. Immediately, I feel pressure from this.

Dr. Kingston comes in around 6 pm and I tell him about the pressure I am feeling. I also had some pink spotting when I went pee. He seems excited by this development (Only an OBGYN could get excited about pressure and spotting! LOL).

Sharon came to say goodnight at 7 pm, right when Emmy and Keith had come in to visit. I introduced Emmy to the nurses that were on, and I had great fun trying to keep her from pulling out my IV. lol At 9 pm, Keith leaves with Emmy. Since Em had spent 4 nights away from home last week, we felt she should stay at home with Keith that night. I warned Keith that I thought I might be in early labor, and he said he would let Poppy know in case he had to drop Em off later.

At 9:30 PM, the new nurse *Evil Hag Nurse (will be refered to as EHN from here on in. You know, for privacy reasons, not because I still hold a grudge or anything) came in to insert my induction drugs. Her and I didn't mesh from the start as this was our first meeting and she was being a bit standoffish. Her first words to me were "I don't know why you can't take these orally, it's much easier." (In reference to the drugs). When I indicated that I had been through 4 days of that with no progress, she shrugged. To say I wanted to hit her would be an understatement. She inserted my meds and I found I was extremely sore in the pelvic region. At 10 pm, I buzzed and asked for my Lorazepam for sleep. I was still feeling a lot of pressure and there was more blood when I wiped. She brought me my meds and I went to sleep.

At 1 AM, EHN flips on the light and immediately starts asking me questions (whether I am feeling progress etc). I indicate that I was asleep so I didn't know and that I had to pee before she put the drugs in. She visably sighed when I said that and I wanted to scream obscenities at her and her attitude. She continued talking to me as I peed, and I ignored her. The rest of my water broke when I stood up after peeing. I told her that and she didn't seem to register what I said. She inserted the meds, and proceeded to take my vitals. I had spiked a fever so she had to get me a shot of antibiotics to ward off infection.

By 2:30 AM, labor was in full swing and I was now aware of what they meant by "You'll know when labor hits". My back was spasming, the tops of my legs would ache with every contraction, and I was hurting. I buzzed for a shot of Demerol or Morphine as I was not a happy camper. They brought me a shot of Demerol and Gravol that did absolutely NOTHING.

At 3 am, I buzzed again and asked if I could have anything else, and she said no. I know my orders had Morphine up to 5 MG every 4 hours, yet she was refusing anything more. I could understand holding back the drugs for Mom's whose babies were going to be coming out alive, but it's not like they were going to hurt my baby by giving me more Morphine. I was not happy but just closed my eyes and tried to relax.

When the contractions would hit, I would breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth as they instructed (HELLO, ONLY HAD A C-SECTION BEFORE THIS! LOL). Yet, even though I was obviously breathing, they would come over and touch me and tell me to breathe. HELLO? WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING??? QUIT TOUCHING ME!!!

At 4:30, they asked if I had called my husband. Well, actually morons, it was listed that you guys were supposed to when you thought it was time for him to come, since I HAVE NO IDEA. I called, and Keith was so dozy, I knew he wouldn't wake up without a few phone calls. I was too grumpy to keep at it and just decided to let him sleep. As you can tell, my tension level was getting pretty high at this point.

At 5 am, when EHN informed me that she had to stick her fingers in my hoo-haw to insert my next induction drugs, I nearly killed her. SERIOUSLY??!?! IN FULL LABOR HERE CHICK, WHY DO WE NEED THOSE? She indicated that she had to insert them because it was 'protocol'. Whatever! To say that her putting the next dose in was uncomfortable would be the understatement of the year.

At this point, contractions were coming every two minutes. My eyes were closed and I was just trying to breathe through them. I heard the other nurse tell EHN that as I was trying to envision ways to maim EHN in my mind. EHN informed me that if Keith didn't come soon, he would probably miss it. I informed her that he wasn't coming. At some point in here, they decide to give me 2 Tylonel 3's for pain. Yes, because those will help. They also give me some Ativan. Hi...how about something that might work for this intense fricken pain, people??? This is a hospital for crying out loud! Give me some good drugs!

At 5:30 ish, they wheel in the gas. I am excited as I now have something to beat EHN with if she tried to come near me again with her freaking induction drugs and her protocol. I never actually get to use it as it takes them the next 1/2 an hour to figure out how to hook it up. By that point, I had delivered. At 5:55 I felt this 'pop' and I felt Maddie slide down the birth canal. It was a surreal feeling as I didn't push, she just sort of fell out of me. I yelled for The Evil Hag Nurse to check me as I felt her sitting there. I then realized why all the other nurses made me pee in the hat...when she decided to come, there was no pushing needed. The nurses come over to deal with the baby. There was no Doctor called at all.

I am scared to open my eyes because I am not sure what Maddie will look like as she had been passed for a week with no amniotic fluid. I wait for a long time for the nurses to talk to me about the baby. Without opening my eyes, I ask whether it was a boy or a girl. EHN says, "Girl I think." YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK YOU COULD VERIFY THAT? I was looking for the gas cannister to beat her with by this point. The second nurse verifies that it is a little girl. I start crying and I open my eyes. They are wrapping Maddie in a blue surgical cloth. They ask if I want to hold her. I say yes. As she's put in my hands, I cry harder. It was almost as if everyone else disappeared in those precious few moments that I had with Maddie. She's so tiny but everything is there and formed. Tiny fingers, tiny toes, tiny precious eyes that are closed in her forever sleep. She weighed so little, and was the length of my hand. She was more red that the average newborn, but absolutely perfect and beautiful. I never wanted to let go.

However, EHN wanted me to pee to have gravity help my placenta out since it wasn't coming out. I let go of Maddie, completely forgetting to get a picture of her and sat on the bedside commode they brought over. I felt something fall out of me, but it was just a blood clot, and not the placenta. I got back into bed, and the next few hours were a blur. I remember Dr. Kingston coming in at 7 and sticking his arm up my uterus and tugging (No one warned me of that pleasantry!). He then decided I needed a D&C since I had only delivered part of my placenta. I was wheeled down to surgery.

I woke up back in my room around 11 am and the anesthesiologist was sitting in the chair. He explains that he broke part of my front tooth when he was removing the breathing tube. Thanks. That's the topper to my week. Ass.

Dr. Kingston comes in and talks about the surgery and the testing they want to send Maddie for. Keith is there at this point and talks me into the testing. I sleep on and off during the early afternoon. Dr. Kingston returns and says I am welcome to stay but I can go if I want. I decide to leave. By 4 pm, we were on our way home.

The Cuteness of Emmy (I'm just a wee bit biased!)

Emmy on the grass

Thinking of G. right now...

One of my online friends was induced yesterday. We haven't heard an update yet, and I find myself consumed with thoughts of her.

You see, the day after Em was born, in Feb 2006, G. lost her son, in utereo. She was 37 weeks pregnant. The same gestation period I was, the day before, when I delivered my daughter.

I remember coming back home after being discharged and typing up a post to let everyone know how we made out and what sex Em was (since it was a surprise). I never checked the board before posting. I was tired, I had only a few moments of computer time before I needed to get my house organized for the baby who had infiltrated it. Had I seen her post...I certainly would have not been so gleeful in my own posting. I left the board in a state of excitement, and returned to find it in a state of mourning.

I was horrified, sad and at a loss for their loss. I couldn't understand how this was fair. They were really good people. They had faith. They inspire people around them to believe. It hit me hard - why did I deserve to be blessed with Emerson, and they had to face burying their firstborn. It wasn't fair. They are far better people than I am.

Even through their heartbreak, their faith never wavered. I faced loss, and as ashamed as I am to write this, I was mad at God. I didn't let it consume me, but yes, there was some anger there. Yet, the loss of their son just seemed to bring them closer to God. I told you they were better than me! lol

They conceived again, and are expecting a little girl. So, if you read this - could you send a little prayer their way?

ETA: She is here safe and sound!!!!!! Woooohooooo!!

It's been 15 months....

When do I get some sleep?

Okay, okay, I know I don't have it rough. Em had a bad night last night (probably those bazillion teeth erupting in her mouth) and was up at 3. And 4. And 6. Pretty much she woke up whenever I finally fell back asleep. Sucks to be me. I even Advil'ed her (that's "I gave her Ibuprofen" not ANVILED which would be child abuse.)

We are still, and I do mean STILL, fighting diaper rash. This has been a stubborn one. By the time this kid is out of diapers, I'm gonna be a rash expert. People from all over the world will call me for advice on treating the rash on their kids bum. People will send money, lots and lots of money, for me to cure their child's rashy nether-regions.

Hey, a girl can dream.

Em's trait as of late is grabbing her foo-foo whenever I take off her diaper. Other Mom's assure me that this is normal and that I need to allow her this time to explore. Okay, I get the whole "Let's-not-make-her-ashamed-to-touch-herself" thing, but hell NO, I am not allowing it when she's got a foo-foo full of poop! She can wait until she's potty trained to 'explore'. 'Cause I don't want my kid eating poop, thank you very much! lol

That's pretty much where we are this week. I have a sneaking suspicion that Em is trying to get rid of one of her naps, but I'm trying to remind her that she is only young once and SLEEP IS GOOD. Mommy likes naps. Mommy likes to nap too some days. Like today, since I got about 2 milliseconds of sleep last night.

Mommy Talk

What was your favorite maternity "could not do without" items?

1. Gold Bond Medicated Anti-Itch Cream (for the Puppp's I got at 22 weeks)

2. A partner who always rubbed my back whenever I whined long enough.

3. Stretch Pants (I think others refer to them as leggings - I just know I lived in them).

4. Tums (for the heartburn I got at 32 weeks till delivery lol)

That's really it. Outside of the heartburn, back pain and Puppp's itching, I had a trouble-free pregnancy with Emmy. I honestly felt like I normally did - outside of the aforementioned troubles and the fact my belly would move on its own! lol

Holy Fit, Batman...

Em just threw a 20 minute fit. It's her first long one, and boy was it pleasant. She had snot bubbles and huge tears. There was screaming and the obligatory falling on the ground and scooting on the butt. She stopped crying every so often to see if I had changed my mind. When she realized I hadn't, back she went.

She's in 'jail' now (aka her playpen) having a little 'Em time'.

What caused the fit? I wouldn't let her take the straw out of the glass she was drinking from. I'm a bad, bad, Mommy.

The joy's of toddlerhood are starting!

ETA: I figured out why my angel is being so miserable. We have her two front teeth coming in, a molar and an inscisor about to cut through AND I noticed two more bottom teeth just cut through. I would be pretty grouchy too!

A Little Mommy Talk #5

Question # 5: Baby Names on your list...What name did you chose, and why?

With Emerson - I had her name picked out from the first trimester. Keith and I spent the day waiting for my C-section trying to pick out boys names just in case. We never came to a decision on a boys name, so it's a good thing Emmy was a girl! LOL

Why Emerson? It's unique for a girl, but not goofy-unique. I loved Ralph Waldo Emerson's writings in college, and I always thought that the name Emerson, would be cool for a first name. Faith was chosen because we had such a long TTC road of over 3 years to be blessed with her. Faith was needed in those times. Faith that we would become parents, faith in ourselves, in our Lord, in our friends and family. It's a beautiful word, faith.

With Maddie, we chose a generic name the first day of my induction. It was a unisex name, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. However, when I held Maddie after her birth, her name Madison Kate, just came to me. Madison has no real meaning behind it, however, Kate was after my best friend.

15 Months

Emmy - 24 hours old


Emmy 15 months old. No, I'm not figuring out the hours LMAO

Dear Emerson,

This past month has been a time of immense change for you. Right before your 14 month 'birthday', you took your first few 'official' steps. Now, one month later, you are a walking pro. Well, except for walking in shoes, we are still working on that one. But a soft-soled shoe, you are good to go with. You can stoop to pick something up and get back up without holding on to anything. Mommy caught you walking sideways yesterday and Daddy said you took a few steps backwards today while I was napping.

You are an eating machine some days, and other days, not so much. You LOVE bananas, Yogurt (you call it "got), Nutrigrain bars, veggie burgers, puffs, crackers, waffles and more. You still aren't loving the tomatos or citris fruits (well, your butt doesn't like them as you get HUGE diaper rash). You can be quite picky at times, and I was lucky to get chicken stew as a decoration on my wall yesterday.

You are teething much more these days. You got your first two teeth (bottom center) in November, and then you didn't get any more till this past month. Your top two have been coming in for ages now, and today I noticed a molar and an incisor coming in. Yes, you've been a happy baby. lol

Your language skills are moving along well. Today we added "Dow" (Down) and "Ut" (Out) to your vocabulary. I love that you are communicating more and that we can understand your wants. This should cause much less frustration from here on out. LOL You shake your head "No" like a pro, but you don't actually mean it most of the time. LOL

Tonight, as I gave you your nightly bath, you were talking to the baby in the overflow drain (it reflects your own image). It's SO CUTE. I will have to get it on video.

Emmy, you continue to amaze me daily, and you make me strive to be the best mom I can be to you.

I love you baby girl :-)

Love,
Mommy

I've been downsized.

A month ago, I was Momomomomom.

Now, I am officially "Mum".

I can deal with that! :)

Nothing says "Good Morning" quite like

A diaper blow-out. It's been so long since we had one, I almost forgot what to do. I was walking around in circles, holding Em under the arms (a good distance from me, I might add). It was nasty. It was quite possibly the grossest diaper I've ever changed. I didn't even want to take off the diaper, 'cause what was outside the diaper was enough proof for me that it wasn't pretty.

So, with Keith's help (HA!), I took Em upstairs to bathe her. Keith kindly followed the stench and brought a new diaper for me, then prompty disappeared. Okay, okay, he had to go to work. I guess it's a valid reason.

That was my good morning greeting from my daughter. I hope the day gets better than this!


PS I can't believe I just blogged about poop. I'm one of those Mom's, aren't I?

I swear she said....

Sh*t. Sh*t, my toddler said shi*. I wonder where she picked that sh*t up from? ROFLMAO

Okay, Okay, enough of the bad language! I promise. I feel guilty even putting that up, even though CBC has worse language at primetime!

Em's been saying, "That", "What that" (heavily accented with baby babble - you really have to listen for it) and various forms of "Ut" "At" "Gut" etc for the past few days.

Today, she said "Sh*t" clear as a bell. (

Apparently, the potty-mouthed Mommy is going to stop NOW. Semi-Potty-Mouthed Daddy will too. 'Cause I don't want to be bloggin' about how my kid said "F**K" a week from now.

A Little Mommy Talk

A Little Mommy Talk for Monday, May 14th, 2007



Did you find out the sex of your baby? Why or why not? honest...did you have what you were hoping for?(if you want, you can include ultrasound photos :))





Em's Ultrasound Photo:

In Em's pregnancy, I tried EVERY SINGLE TIME to find out the sex. By the end of my pregnancy, I had 6 opportunities and not ONCE did Emmy show the goods. So, I got to be surprised in the delivery room as I had my C-Section.

I was absolutely delighted to have my little girl. I had wanted a girl, and here she was. I still remember after asking the sex, (the Dr's didn't announce it) and hearing it was a girl, I looked at Keith and said, "We have a little girl. I have a daughter."


I was shocked as I sincerely thought she was a boy. During one ultrasound, the tech said that the baby had it's hand covering the genitals. I figured...boys and their toys! hahaha




Madison's Pregnancy:

I didn't find out with Maddie as the ultrasound that I would have had a chance to see it was also the ultrasound that told me my water had possibly broken early. With all the chaos and confusion, I never even asked for them to try to tell me. It was obvious that there was something wrong from the get-go.



So, I had two surprise genders at delivery (not by choice lol). I think, if I do have a third, I would try to keep it a surprise (on purpose this time! lol) The guessing is so much fun in retrospect, although it was driving me batty with Emmy! lol

Pics of Emmy from Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day

This day, not without it's deep reflections, is meant to celebrate us, Moms of the World. How lucky we are to have our children, and how blessed I know I feel everytime I look at my daughter's face.

My own relationship with my Mom has never been great. I think she always wanted a version of herself, and I am definitely not that. I haven't heard from my parents since Christmas Day and I have no idea where they are (this is their choice). However, even though our relationship sucks, I find myself missing her today...

On a less serious note, someone should tell Keith that it would be nice for ME to get to sleep in. Em woke up at 2 and at 7...guess who got up both times? Guess who is STILL snoring? (It's almost 9 here).

I won't give him too much crap - it is his only day off of work.

129/85

My blood pressure at 12 PM. Still a little higher than wanted BUT my meds (Atacand) doesn't peak until 3-4 pm. Either way, its still a heck of a lot better than the days of 160+/100+ medicated in pregnancy!

We went for a walk last night with Em through the trails by my house. The 'quick walk' I convinced Keith to take with me turned into an hour-long hike. We got lost in the woods at one point and I was trying to figure out if we were going to have to 'make camp'. lol

My poor thigh muscles were 'pinging' by the time we reached civilization again. Suprisingly, I am feeling pretty spry today.

I am attempting to go for a good walk everyday It helps that I am surrounded by hills so they make you work to get up them. I am also doing some daily exercises in my house (which make Emmy laugh!). My weight is fluctuating badly here and I need to get it under control.

Did you know?

That there is actually more than one verse in "You are my Sunshine"?

Seriously. I wouldn't make this stuff up.

Emmy has been deprived. I only knew one verse - technically the chorus.

See what listening to Children's music will teach ya?

I've got a case of the heebie-jeebies!

Most people would call it classic paranoia. I prefer heebie-jeebies! Sounds much less like I need some medication lol.

It's been with me all day since I woke up - a feeling of impending doom. I can't figure out why I am on edge - but I definitely am. Nervous, jittery (no, I didn't overindulge in the caffineted goodness this morning) and feeling like something, quite possibly bad, is going to happen.

When I was in the shower, I swore I kept hearing random bangs. Now my mind is making it worse!

I didn't wake up depressed or even overly emotional today - it's just a regular old day.

I did eat way too many baby bel's. Maybe overindulgance causes nervousness! lol

I got a beautiful surprise today...

It's probably hard to read on here, but it is a handmade plaque for Maddie. My friend Lisa, a woman I met on my baby board almost 2 years ago made it in memory of Maddie and sent it to me. It arrived this morning and opening it brought the tears a-flowing.

I don't think I've ever been so touched that someone would do something like this for me. Most people in my life have already glossed over Maddie's passing - never mentioning it. Even Keith, on Sunday, when I was a bit down, had to ask why. He soon remembered when I gave him 'the look' and apologized. Sometimes, I feel like I am so alone in my grief, that no one remembers Maddie but me. Lisa proved to me that Maddie exists in other's minds and hearts as well. For that, I am thankful.

This is beginning to irritate me

I have signed into my Blogger account no less than 15 times this morning.
WHY CAN'T IT REMEMBER ME?

I click the little box.
I have not cleared cookies.

I don't know what I have to do to be deemed 'memorable' by Blogger.

Wah!

If the never-ending mail causes Postie's stress...

Then laundry is the SAHM's version of the mail. It.never.ends. There.is.always.more. It's a good thing I don't own a gun and I'm actually a pacifist.

Maybe we'll become a family of nudists? But then what would I wear on my fat days??

My first declaration: I am not the most organized person in the world. I wouldn't even hit the top 1000. It might even be safe to say that I wouldn't be in the top 1,000,000. It's that bad.

It's really funny to me as when I used to bring home a paycheck, I was a very organized worker. It's actually something I am proud of. Can I bring that ability home? Apparently not.

So, a week and a half ago, I went on a laundry obsession. I was going to catch up on the laundry.

10 loads washed, folded and stacked on the pool table. 3 loads actually put away. After this day of laundering until I passed out, I made the solemn vow to keep up on the laundry daily.

So today, a week and a half later, as I plowed threw a week and a half's worth of laundry (I need to work on keeping those solemn vow's), I realized that Keith does not understand my laundry rules.

1. The pool table is for the folding and stacking of clean laundry ONLY. Not when you throw your dirty laundry. The floor works fine for that.

2. Okay, actually #1 is my only rule. If you aren't passionate about something, you don't tend to make a lot of rules for that subject.

Anyhow, since neither of us put away any more of the laundry that I did a week and a half ago, it is now mixed in with Keith's dirty laundry. This is my punishment for being lazy...I know it.

Seriously, does the fun never end?

I keep clicking...

the "remember me" button as I sign into Blogger, yet it never does. I have to sign in everytime. I'm getting a complex here.

A Little Mommy Talk

A Little Mommy Talk Question for May 8th:
How much weight did you gain (w/ picture...are you brave enough:) )
and what did you like MOST about pregnancy?
What did you like the LEAST?

Emerson's Pregnancy: (July 2005-Feb 2006)

Excuse the stretch marks! They were there looooong before I got pregnant. This picture is the last belly shot I took - it was at 35 weeks (2 weeks before delivery).

How much weight did you gain (w/ picture...are you brave enough:) 22 pounds. However, I was significantly overweight to start with! lol

What did you like MOST about pregnancy? I LOVED feeling her move. I have many videos of Emmy moving around in my belly. It used to freak Keith out something fierce! *Think Alien movies lol. I also LOVED feeling free to show my belly off. As a fat woman, I always tried to hide my fat - I embraced my belly while pregnant.

What did you like the LEAST? At 22 weeks, I got PUPPPS, which you can actually see in the picture somewhat (red bumps above the stretch marks). It lasted until delivery at 37 weeks. It was seriously itchy and annoying.

Madison's Pregnancy: (November 2006 - March 2007)

How much weight did you gain? No pictures this time - sorry! lol Even though Maddie's pregnancy was only 1/2 as long as Emerson's, I gained the same if not more weight due to my blood pressure issues. One week I gained 11 lbs! ONE WEEK!

What did you like the MOST about pregnancy: The positive pregnancy test. Seeing Maddie on the u/s at 12 weeks. Feeling the tip-taps and flutters of early movement. Strangely, I also love the fact that I gave birth to her vaginally. Even though she was stillborn, it was such a different birth experience from Emerson's C-Section. In a way, I found it more empowering that my body went through it - if that makes sense! (I'm not dissing C-sections, I actually had planned to have a second C-Section if Maddie had been a term birth).

What did you like least about pregnancy: Leaving L&D ward after Maddie's birth without a baby. Nothing else comes close to that pain for me.

Emmy cracks me up!

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE the stage she is in right now? She's walking, she's learning to talk and picking up on SO much!

Today, as she was playing, she managed to get a hold of the cordless phone. She put it to her ear and said, in her high-pitched voice, "Hiiiii". It was PERFECT! She held it against my head as well, so I could talk. I took the phone away from her (as she enjoys pressing random buttons too much).

A few minutes later, she put an OB tampon container (trial size plastic container) to her ear, leaned over her mirror and said, "Hiiiiiiiii". I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long, long time.

That, of course, occured before she figured out how to climb the change table (see picture - she's standing ON her toy that she pushed over there) and get the box of wipes down. I found her surrounded by wipes she had pulled out. That's TWICE this week she's managed to get them!

Mother's Day Giveaway!

5 minutes for Mom is hosting this fabulous giveaway(s) for Mothers Day. Come enter - we all deserve a chance at this! You can win an Ipod Nano or other great prizes!

The Worst Day of my Life

I have only briefly mentioned Madison on my 'about me' part. It makes me feel guilty - like by not writing about her, I am not thinking about her. I know its not true - but it still causes my Mommy Guilt to come on full force.

So here, if anyone is reading, is everything there is to know about my Angel baby - Madison Kate.

Keith and I weren't trying for baby #2 by any means. On November 16th, when I saw those two lines show up on the First Response pregnancy test, I was stunned. Hello? Infertility for 3+ years? How could I possibly have an oops baby? Memories of my birthday, our hot tub, and I realized that yes, Jan, there is a Santa Claus. (oops wrong story).

After we were both shell-shocked, either way, we were happy. Em would have a sibling. A baby sister or brother, close to her in age. We could do this.

I had an ultrasound on January 10th and the baby looked great. Heartrate was 170 and looked like a baby - I was expecting it to still be blob-like. I was 11 weeks 4 days. My blood pressure had been giving us some issues and I had some WICKED morning sickness, but other than that, I was happily pregnant.

Fast forward to February. I had been sent to an OBGYN as my doctor didn't know how to treat the blood pressure. I did a huge amount of tests for the next month - blood at least twice a week, urine at the office (I was spilling protein already - +3 and +4), and a 24 hour urine collection. Nothing says fun like collecting your urine for 24 hours. One of my friends wanted to go out that day and I had to say, "I can't, I'm collecting my pee".

The song "I'm too sexy" just went through my head. Funny.

My results come back from my triple screen - baby's risk factor for Down Syndrome is raised to 1 in 62 (normal for my age etc would be 1 in 200). I am scheduled for ultrasound, genetics and an amnio in Vancouver at the end of February. (Vancouver is 800 kilometers away from here). My blood pressure is still high, I'm still spilling protein, and I'm praying for something to go right in this pregnancy.

Then came the worst day of my life so far. The trip to Vancouver.

Unbeknownst to me, my water broke on Feb. 25th as I slept. When I awoke to find wet sheets, I assumed (and I mean I absolutely believed this to be true) that I had peed the bed. I NEVER THOUGHT IT COULD BE MY WATER. Not once. I was 18 weeks, 2 days pregnant, and I figured my bladder got the best of me. Gross? Yes. Dire pregnancy emergency? No. In my defence, my water never broke with Em...I had a scheduled C-Section because she was breech. How was I to know? How I wish it WAS a simple pregnancy-induced incontinence.

Fast-forward to my trip to Vancouver later that day. I flew to Vancouver and went to the BC Women's Hospital for my ultrasound. I knew there was something wrong. The technician was having difficulty obtaining images, although what I saw seemed normal enough. We moved to a different machine, I got to pee twice, and then the hammer fell. Three people came into the room to say there was no amniotic fluid. That's when my heart skipped a whole lot of beats. From my obsessive reading, I KNEW this wasn't good. From the look on the Doctor's face, I KNEW this wasn't good. The Doctor wouldn't tell me anything except that I would see a Perintologist that afternoon to see if it was my water that broke. She didn't need to -my mind

was going to all the dark places.

I was sent upstairs to Genetics. I bawled through the entire meeting. Why were they asking me all these questions about our families? Did they not hear that I have no amniotic fluid? Didn't they know how bad that was? To be honest, I don't remember much of the appointment - just that I was surprised how young they were. One of them did give me a ray of hope by mentioning the AmnioPatch...where they can attempt to repatch the sack. I had assumed by this point that it was hopeless. This gave me hope.

I had lunch. I felt Maddie move. Just little tip-taps in my belly. Tip-tap Mommy, I'm still here. Don't be sad. Tip-Tap-Tip.

I met with the Perintologists, and they did a thorough examination. He took some swabs to check if it was my water that broke and went away for what seemed like forever. When he returned, and told me that it was my water that broke, I felt like the air was just sucked out of the examination room. It's been two months and typing that last sentence still makes me feel like I was punched in the gut.

I lost it. I couldn't get cell service in the hospital, and I needed to speak to Keith. I was alone in Vancouver and I was just told that my baby will die. That my labor needs to be induced. My daughter, Emerson, was at a sitter's for the very first time. In that moment, I have never felt so absolutely powerless, so absolutely, utterly alone.

I went outside to use my cell. There was a man whose wife just delivered their healthy baby girl an hour earlier. He was calling everyone he knew to tell them the happy news. I'm sorry Stranger Man, I thought horrible thoughts about you as I listened to you share your miracle, as I tried to see the numbers on my cell through my tears.

Luckily, Keith answered the phone at work. I couldn't even choke out a proper greeting. I was as close to hysterical as I've ever been. I tried to tell him but I couldn't get the words out. I tried to say something that could make him understand what had happened, and all I could muster was "Bad". I'm sure he couldn't understand what I was talking about, but knew that I was upset obviously.

We had a conversation, but I can't remember what, or if, I even said much. All I remember is I sat on a chair, between two newspaper boxes, and I was trying to calm down but I couldn't breathe. Hello? Hospital people? You may want to check on the hysterical woman about to lose it in front of the hospital. Hey cell phone guy? You must notice my obvious distress. Maybe go get some help? Nope - he's too busy phoning the 15th person since I started my breakdown. Oh, by the way, congrats buddy.

I made it back into the hospital. At some point, Keith and I ended our conversation, but I don't remember when or what was said. I text messaged my sister-in-law, and I called a cab to take me back to the airport to go home.

I broke down probably 1,937,200 more times while waiting for my plane. I cried when I thought about Emerson - and how she wasn't going to have a sibling after all. I cried when I saw a baby. I cried when I felt Maddie move. I cried when she didn't move. I cried in an airport full of people, and not ONE person asked if I was okay. Gotta love human kindness these days.

I made it home and I went straight to the bathroom. I had a bath. You aren't supposed to after your water breaks, but its not like there was a chance I was getting a healthy baby out of this deal.

Keith came upstairs and sat with me as I bathed. I bawled. I screamed at him. I told him horrible things like he had no clue how I was feeling, that he did not hurt like I hurt. All of that pain I felt, I took it out on him. I acted like a complete and utter bitch to him and he took it. He just sat there and took it with tears in his eyes. He got up and he said to me, "I hurt because you hurt."

I spent some time with Em before she went to bed, and I went to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 4 am, and I cried again. The skin under my eyes burned from wiping my tears so much. And hey, the fun was just beginning. I still had to deliver! However, I'll leave that story for my next post.

I Spork You

When she's being all cute in the swing (see right), she doesn't look violent. But don't let the smile and lil scrunched up nose fool you - she is more dangerous than she looks.

This morning, she woke up at 5 am. That in itself is painful enough, but she had more in store for me. As I got her to cuddle on me while laying on the couch, she was 'telling me a story'. It went something like this: Ahhh-baaaa-geeeen, Baaaaa-geeen-ooooh, Daaaaaa-baaaaaa-geeeen-ooooh and so on. I'm sure she was telling me about her dreams or of her plans for the day rather than casting a spell on me which is what it sounded like (think chanting). Every so often, she liked to make sure that I was still paying attention (I was awake, honest!) as she would pinch my chest. Owwww! Apparently I need to trim those finger nails again!

Then came the sporking incident. That sounds fairly dirty now that I see it in print. Really, it's not. A spork is her 'baby fork'. It's deep like a spoon, but has the tongs like a fork. Viola! I present the spork.

Anyhow, Emmy found a spork on the floor. After the pinching incident, I decided to put her on the floor so I could nap while she played. She found the spork, and decided to comb my hair with it as I laid on the couch. Awww, how sweet I thought until...

KNOT - Ouch Emmy!

That's my eye socket, not my hair, Emmy.

Please don't hit Mommy over the head with the Spork, Emmy.

Please don't hit Mommy in the face with the Spork, Emmy.

Please don't hit Mommy in the (insert body part here) with the Spork, Emmy.

Daddy, would you please take the Spork away from her? (I can't be the bad guy all the time lol)

I guess if I was up on my cleaning, there wouldn't have been a spork on the floor in the first place. But then I would have missed out on a powerful bonding experience with my daughter. At least, that's what I told Keith when he mentioned that fact.

So, that's my 14 month old love-of-my-life daughter who gets a bit violent with Mommy.