A Little Mommy Talk

Monday, June 4, 2007

Today's request is to write out our birth stories...

Emerson's is located here in my blog already. http://babysaysbaff.blogspot.com/2006/02/welcome-to-world-miss-emerson-faith.html

Madison's birth

Now, Maddie's birth was obviously emotional as we knew she had passed away in utereo as of February 26, 2007. I was induced unsuccessfully from Feb 26-March 2nd, and then sent home to relax over the weekend. The following is Maddie's birth story that I posted a week after Maddie's birth on my baby board.

On Monday, March 5th, at 8 am Keith and I walked up the hallway at PGRH that would take me to Labor and Delivery. This would be my second visit to the ward to be induced, as the induction the previous week (Feb 27-March 2) failed.

We were led to room 214, a different room from last week's 208 (which was the same room I was in for Em's birth). Sharon was my nurse which made me happy as she and I got along well. She expressed surprise that the induction didn't work the previous week, or that I hadn't gone into labor on my own over the weekend.

She told me to get changed, and she would go page Dr. Kingston (the OBGYN) to come get my induction started. Keith kissed me goodbye and says he will call at 10 am to see what is going on. He leaves for work. I spoke to Sharon about 'the power of positive thinking' and how this was going to work today because I didn't want to be away from Keith and Em for another 4 days. She agreed it would work.

Less than 10 minutes later, Dr. Kingston strides into my room. I laugh and tell him that was pretty damn quick being that he was just being paged 10 minutes ago. He laughed and said he was in the hospital already. He sits on my bed and explains that instead of taking the induction drugs orally as I did last week, we would try them vaginally this time. They didn't work orally and they have a better track record being used vaginally. He indicated that they would monitor me closely for signs of infection which was the reason he didn't want to go this route last week. I agree as I didn't want to revisit the failed induction of last week.

Sharon comes in and Dr. Kingston goes over the insertion process with her. It's definitely more invasive as the Mistoprostol is inserted vaginally and sits on the cervix to dissolve. Good news is that we can start at the highest dose, bad news is the nurses have to vaginally insert it every 4 hours. At 9:30(ish), my first dose is inserted and I set up my DVD player to watch videos and my notebook to write in as I wait. At 10 am, Sharon brings me some toast as I have to take my blood pressure meds. We chat about things and I eat my breakfast and take my meds.

At 11 am, the nurse comes to insert my IV. They had difficulties with this last week (took a minimum of 4 tries each time) as I have terrible veins. My arms are bruised from the attempts last week, and I was not looking forward to repeating the experience. Thankfully, the nurse manages to get it going in the first try! Wooohooo!

At 12:30 PM, lunch is brought in. I eat and await my next induction meds. At 1:30 PM, Sharon comes in to insert the meds again. I am feeling a bit discouraged as I didn't feel any different so far. She said the pills from the morning had dissolved, which was good. (Sometimes they can sit in there and not dissolve.) Feeling a bit discouraged, I settle down and watch Friends, Season 1 on the DVD player.

At 5:30, after eating dinner, Sharon comes in to insert the next dose. She is surprised as the 1 PM dose didn't dissolve. She places the new dose against my cervix and repositions the 1 PM dose so it will dissolve. Immediately, I feel pressure from this.

Dr. Kingston comes in around 6 pm and I tell him about the pressure I am feeling. I also had some pink spotting when I went pee. He seems excited by this development (Only an OBGYN could get excited about pressure and spotting! LOL).

Sharon came to say goodnight at 7 pm, right when Emmy and Keith had come in to visit. I introduced Emmy to the nurses that were on, and I had great fun trying to keep her from pulling out my IV. lol At 9 pm, Keith leaves with Emmy. Since Em had spent 4 nights away from home last week, we felt she should stay at home with Keith that night. I warned Keith that I thought I might be in early labor, and he said he would let Poppy know in case he had to drop Em off later.

At 9:30 PM, the new nurse *Evil Hag Nurse (will be refered to as EHN from here on in. You know, for privacy reasons, not because I still hold a grudge or anything) came in to insert my induction drugs. Her and I didn't mesh from the start as this was our first meeting and she was being a bit standoffish. Her first words to me were "I don't know why you can't take these orally, it's much easier." (In reference to the drugs). When I indicated that I had been through 4 days of that with no progress, she shrugged. To say I wanted to hit her would be an understatement. She inserted my meds and I found I was extremely sore in the pelvic region. At 10 pm, I buzzed and asked for my Lorazepam for sleep. I was still feeling a lot of pressure and there was more blood when I wiped. She brought me my meds and I went to sleep.

At 1 AM, EHN flips on the light and immediately starts asking me questions (whether I am feeling progress etc). I indicate that I was asleep so I didn't know and that I had to pee before she put the drugs in. She visably sighed when I said that and I wanted to scream obscenities at her and her attitude. She continued talking to me as I peed, and I ignored her. The rest of my water broke when I stood up after peeing. I told her that and she didn't seem to register what I said. She inserted the meds, and proceeded to take my vitals. I had spiked a fever so she had to get me a shot of antibiotics to ward off infection.

By 2:30 AM, labor was in full swing and I was now aware of what they meant by "You'll know when labor hits". My back was spasming, the tops of my legs would ache with every contraction, and I was hurting. I buzzed for a shot of Demerol or Morphine as I was not a happy camper. They brought me a shot of Demerol and Gravol that did absolutely NOTHING.

At 3 am, I buzzed again and asked if I could have anything else, and she said no. I know my orders had Morphine up to 5 MG every 4 hours, yet she was refusing anything more. I could understand holding back the drugs for Mom's whose babies were going to be coming out alive, but it's not like they were going to hurt my baby by giving me more Morphine. I was not happy but just closed my eyes and tried to relax.

When the contractions would hit, I would breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth as they instructed (HELLO, ONLY HAD A C-SECTION BEFORE THIS! LOL). Yet, even though I was obviously breathing, they would come over and touch me and tell me to breathe. HELLO? WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING??? QUIT TOUCHING ME!!!

At 4:30, they asked if I had called my husband. Well, actually morons, it was listed that you guys were supposed to when you thought it was time for him to come, since I HAVE NO IDEA. I called, and Keith was so dozy, I knew he wouldn't wake up without a few phone calls. I was too grumpy to keep at it and just decided to let him sleep. As you can tell, my tension level was getting pretty high at this point.

At 5 am, when EHN informed me that she had to stick her fingers in my hoo-haw to insert my next induction drugs, I nearly killed her. SERIOUSLY??!?! IN FULL LABOR HERE CHICK, WHY DO WE NEED THOSE? She indicated that she had to insert them because it was 'protocol'. Whatever! To say that her putting the next dose in was uncomfortable would be the understatement of the year.

At this point, contractions were coming every two minutes. My eyes were closed and I was just trying to breathe through them. I heard the other nurse tell EHN that as I was trying to envision ways to maim EHN in my mind. EHN informed me that if Keith didn't come soon, he would probably miss it. I informed her that he wasn't coming. At some point in here, they decide to give me 2 Tylonel 3's for pain. Yes, because those will help. They also give me some Ativan. Hi...how about something that might work for this intense fricken pain, people??? This is a hospital for crying out loud! Give me some good drugs!

At 5:30 ish, they wheel in the gas. I am excited as I now have something to beat EHN with if she tried to come near me again with her freaking induction drugs and her protocol. I never actually get to use it as it takes them the next 1/2 an hour to figure out how to hook it up. By that point, I had delivered. At 5:55 I felt this 'pop' and I felt Maddie slide down the birth canal. It was a surreal feeling as I didn't push, she just sort of fell out of me. I yelled for The Evil Hag Nurse to check me as I felt her sitting there. I then realized why all the other nurses made me pee in the hat...when she decided to come, there was no pushing needed. The nurses come over to deal with the baby. There was no Doctor called at all.

I am scared to open my eyes because I am not sure what Maddie will look like as she had been passed for a week with no amniotic fluid. I wait for a long time for the nurses to talk to me about the baby. Without opening my eyes, I ask whether it was a boy or a girl. EHN says, "Girl I think." YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK YOU COULD VERIFY THAT? I was looking for the gas cannister to beat her with by this point. The second nurse verifies that it is a little girl. I start crying and I open my eyes. They are wrapping Maddie in a blue surgical cloth. They ask if I want to hold her. I say yes. As she's put in my hands, I cry harder. It was almost as if everyone else disappeared in those precious few moments that I had with Maddie. She's so tiny but everything is there and formed. Tiny fingers, tiny toes, tiny precious eyes that are closed in her forever sleep. She weighed so little, and was the length of my hand. She was more red that the average newborn, but absolutely perfect and beautiful. I never wanted to let go.

However, EHN wanted me to pee to have gravity help my placenta out since it wasn't coming out. I let go of Maddie, completely forgetting to get a picture of her and sat on the bedside commode they brought over. I felt something fall out of me, but it was just a blood clot, and not the placenta. I got back into bed, and the next few hours were a blur. I remember Dr. Kingston coming in at 7 and sticking his arm up my uterus and tugging (No one warned me of that pleasantry!). He then decided I needed a D&C since I had only delivered part of my placenta. I was wheeled down to surgery.

I woke up back in my room around 11 am and the anesthesiologist was sitting in the chair. He explains that he broke part of my front tooth when he was removing the breathing tube. Thanks. That's the topper to my week. Ass.

Dr. Kingston comes in and talks about the surgery and the testing they want to send Maddie for. Keith is there at this point and talks me into the testing. I sleep on and off during the early afternoon. Dr. Kingston returns and says I am welcome to stay but I can go if I want. I decide to leave. By 4 pm, we were on our way home.

The Cuteness of Emmy (I'm just a wee bit biased!)

Emmy on the grass

Thinking of G. right now...

One of my online friends was induced yesterday. We haven't heard an update yet, and I find myself consumed with thoughts of her.

You see, the day after Em was born, in Feb 2006, G. lost her son, in utereo. She was 37 weeks pregnant. The same gestation period I was, the day before, when I delivered my daughter.

I remember coming back home after being discharged and typing up a post to let everyone know how we made out and what sex Em was (since it was a surprise). I never checked the board before posting. I was tired, I had only a few moments of computer time before I needed to get my house organized for the baby who had infiltrated it. Had I seen her post...I certainly would have not been so gleeful in my own posting. I left the board in a state of excitement, and returned to find it in a state of mourning.

I was horrified, sad and at a loss for their loss. I couldn't understand how this was fair. They were really good people. They had faith. They inspire people around them to believe. It hit me hard - why did I deserve to be blessed with Emerson, and they had to face burying their firstborn. It wasn't fair. They are far better people than I am.

Even through their heartbreak, their faith never wavered. I faced loss, and as ashamed as I am to write this, I was mad at God. I didn't let it consume me, but yes, there was some anger there. Yet, the loss of their son just seemed to bring them closer to God. I told you they were better than me! lol

They conceived again, and are expecting a little girl. So, if you read this - could you send a little prayer their way?

ETA: She is here safe and sound!!!!!! Woooohooooo!!

It's been 15 months....

When do I get some sleep?

Okay, okay, I know I don't have it rough. Em had a bad night last night (probably those bazillion teeth erupting in her mouth) and was up at 3. And 4. And 6. Pretty much she woke up whenever I finally fell back asleep. Sucks to be me. I even Advil'ed her (that's "I gave her Ibuprofen" not ANVILED which would be child abuse.)

We are still, and I do mean STILL, fighting diaper rash. This has been a stubborn one. By the time this kid is out of diapers, I'm gonna be a rash expert. People from all over the world will call me for advice on treating the rash on their kids bum. People will send money, lots and lots of money, for me to cure their child's rashy nether-regions.

Hey, a girl can dream.

Em's trait as of late is grabbing her foo-foo whenever I take off her diaper. Other Mom's assure me that this is normal and that I need to allow her this time to explore. Okay, I get the whole "Let's-not-make-her-ashamed-to-touch-herself" thing, but hell NO, I am not allowing it when she's got a foo-foo full of poop! She can wait until she's potty trained to 'explore'. 'Cause I don't want my kid eating poop, thank you very much! lol

That's pretty much where we are this week. I have a sneaking suspicion that Em is trying to get rid of one of her naps, but I'm trying to remind her that she is only young once and SLEEP IS GOOD. Mommy likes naps. Mommy likes to nap too some days. Like today, since I got about 2 milliseconds of sleep last night.

Mommy Talk

What was your favorite maternity "could not do without" items?

1. Gold Bond Medicated Anti-Itch Cream (for the Puppp's I got at 22 weeks)

2. A partner who always rubbed my back whenever I whined long enough.

3. Stretch Pants (I think others refer to them as leggings - I just know I lived in them).

4. Tums (for the heartburn I got at 32 weeks till delivery lol)

That's really it. Outside of the heartburn, back pain and Puppp's itching, I had a trouble-free pregnancy with Emmy. I honestly felt like I normally did - outside of the aforementioned troubles and the fact my belly would move on its own! lol

Holy Fit, Batman...

Em just threw a 20 minute fit. It's her first long one, and boy was it pleasant. She had snot bubbles and huge tears. There was screaming and the obligatory falling on the ground and scooting on the butt. She stopped crying every so often to see if I had changed my mind. When she realized I hadn't, back she went.

She's in 'jail' now (aka her playpen) having a little 'Em time'.

What caused the fit? I wouldn't let her take the straw out of the glass she was drinking from. I'm a bad, bad, Mommy.

The joy's of toddlerhood are starting!

ETA: I figured out why my angel is being so miserable. We have her two front teeth coming in, a molar and an inscisor about to cut through AND I noticed two more bottom teeth just cut through. I would be pretty grouchy too!

A Little Mommy Talk #5

Question # 5: Baby Names on your list...What name did you chose, and why?

With Emerson - I had her name picked out from the first trimester. Keith and I spent the day waiting for my C-section trying to pick out boys names just in case. We never came to a decision on a boys name, so it's a good thing Emmy was a girl! LOL

Why Emerson? It's unique for a girl, but not goofy-unique. I loved Ralph Waldo Emerson's writings in college, and I always thought that the name Emerson, would be cool for a first name. Faith was chosen because we had such a long TTC road of over 3 years to be blessed with her. Faith was needed in those times. Faith that we would become parents, faith in ourselves, in our Lord, in our friends and family. It's a beautiful word, faith.

With Maddie, we chose a generic name the first day of my induction. It was a unisex name, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. However, when I held Maddie after her birth, her name Madison Kate, just came to me. Madison has no real meaning behind it, however, Kate was after my best friend.

15 Months

Emmy - 24 hours old


Emmy 15 months old. No, I'm not figuring out the hours LMAO

Dear Emerson,

This past month has been a time of immense change for you. Right before your 14 month 'birthday', you took your first few 'official' steps. Now, one month later, you are a walking pro. Well, except for walking in shoes, we are still working on that one. But a soft-soled shoe, you are good to go with. You can stoop to pick something up and get back up without holding on to anything. Mommy caught you walking sideways yesterday and Daddy said you took a few steps backwards today while I was napping.

You are an eating machine some days, and other days, not so much. You LOVE bananas, Yogurt (you call it "got), Nutrigrain bars, veggie burgers, puffs, crackers, waffles and more. You still aren't loving the tomatos or citris fruits (well, your butt doesn't like them as you get HUGE diaper rash). You can be quite picky at times, and I was lucky to get chicken stew as a decoration on my wall yesterday.

You are teething much more these days. You got your first two teeth (bottom center) in November, and then you didn't get any more till this past month. Your top two have been coming in for ages now, and today I noticed a molar and an incisor coming in. Yes, you've been a happy baby. lol

Your language skills are moving along well. Today we added "Dow" (Down) and "Ut" (Out) to your vocabulary. I love that you are communicating more and that we can understand your wants. This should cause much less frustration from here on out. LOL You shake your head "No" like a pro, but you don't actually mean it most of the time. LOL

Tonight, as I gave you your nightly bath, you were talking to the baby in the overflow drain (it reflects your own image). It's SO CUTE. I will have to get it on video.

Emmy, you continue to amaze me daily, and you make me strive to be the best mom I can be to you.

I love you baby girl :-)

Love,
Mommy

I've been downsized.

A month ago, I was Momomomomom.

Now, I am officially "Mum".

I can deal with that! :)

Nothing says "Good Morning" quite like

A diaper blow-out. It's been so long since we had one, I almost forgot what to do. I was walking around in circles, holding Em under the arms (a good distance from me, I might add). It was nasty. It was quite possibly the grossest diaper I've ever changed. I didn't even want to take off the diaper, 'cause what was outside the diaper was enough proof for me that it wasn't pretty.

So, with Keith's help (HA!), I took Em upstairs to bathe her. Keith kindly followed the stench and brought a new diaper for me, then prompty disappeared. Okay, okay, he had to go to work. I guess it's a valid reason.

That was my good morning greeting from my daughter. I hope the day gets better than this!


PS I can't believe I just blogged about poop. I'm one of those Mom's, aren't I?

I swear she said....

Sh*t. Sh*t, my toddler said shi*. I wonder where she picked that sh*t up from? ROFLMAO

Okay, Okay, enough of the bad language! I promise. I feel guilty even putting that up, even though CBC has worse language at primetime!

Em's been saying, "That", "What that" (heavily accented with baby babble - you really have to listen for it) and various forms of "Ut" "At" "Gut" etc for the past few days.

Today, she said "Sh*t" clear as a bell. (

Apparently, the potty-mouthed Mommy is going to stop NOW. Semi-Potty-Mouthed Daddy will too. 'Cause I don't want to be bloggin' about how my kid said "F**K" a week from now.

A Little Mommy Talk

A Little Mommy Talk for Monday, May 14th, 2007



Did you find out the sex of your baby? Why or why not? honest...did you have what you were hoping for?(if you want, you can include ultrasound photos :))





Em's Ultrasound Photo:

In Em's pregnancy, I tried EVERY SINGLE TIME to find out the sex. By the end of my pregnancy, I had 6 opportunities and not ONCE did Emmy show the goods. So, I got to be surprised in the delivery room as I had my C-Section.

I was absolutely delighted to have my little girl. I had wanted a girl, and here she was. I still remember after asking the sex, (the Dr's didn't announce it) and hearing it was a girl, I looked at Keith and said, "We have a little girl. I have a daughter."


I was shocked as I sincerely thought she was a boy. During one ultrasound, the tech said that the baby had it's hand covering the genitals. I figured...boys and their toys! hahaha




Madison's Pregnancy:

I didn't find out with Maddie as the ultrasound that I would have had a chance to see it was also the ultrasound that told me my water had possibly broken early. With all the chaos and confusion, I never even asked for them to try to tell me. It was obvious that there was something wrong from the get-go.



So, I had two surprise genders at delivery (not by choice lol). I think, if I do have a third, I would try to keep it a surprise (on purpose this time! lol) The guessing is so much fun in retrospect, although it was driving me batty with Emmy! lol

Pics of Emmy from Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day

This day, not without it's deep reflections, is meant to celebrate us, Moms of the World. How lucky we are to have our children, and how blessed I know I feel everytime I look at my daughter's face.

My own relationship with my Mom has never been great. I think she always wanted a version of herself, and I am definitely not that. I haven't heard from my parents since Christmas Day and I have no idea where they are (this is their choice). However, even though our relationship sucks, I find myself missing her today...

On a less serious note, someone should tell Keith that it would be nice for ME to get to sleep in. Em woke up at 2 and at 7...guess who got up both times? Guess who is STILL snoring? (It's almost 9 here).

I won't give him too much crap - it is his only day off of work.

129/85

My blood pressure at 12 PM. Still a little higher than wanted BUT my meds (Atacand) doesn't peak until 3-4 pm. Either way, its still a heck of a lot better than the days of 160+/100+ medicated in pregnancy!

We went for a walk last night with Em through the trails by my house. The 'quick walk' I convinced Keith to take with me turned into an hour-long hike. We got lost in the woods at one point and I was trying to figure out if we were going to have to 'make camp'. lol

My poor thigh muscles were 'pinging' by the time we reached civilization again. Suprisingly, I am feeling pretty spry today.

I am attempting to go for a good walk everyday It helps that I am surrounded by hills so they make you work to get up them. I am also doing some daily exercises in my house (which make Emmy laugh!). My weight is fluctuating badly here and I need to get it under control.

Did you know?

That there is actually more than one verse in "You are my Sunshine"?

Seriously. I wouldn't make this stuff up.

Emmy has been deprived. I only knew one verse - technically the chorus.

See what listening to Children's music will teach ya?

I've got a case of the heebie-jeebies!

Most people would call it classic paranoia. I prefer heebie-jeebies! Sounds much less like I need some medication lol.

It's been with me all day since I woke up - a feeling of impending doom. I can't figure out why I am on edge - but I definitely am. Nervous, jittery (no, I didn't overindulge in the caffineted goodness this morning) and feeling like something, quite possibly bad, is going to happen.

When I was in the shower, I swore I kept hearing random bangs. Now my mind is making it worse!

I didn't wake up depressed or even overly emotional today - it's just a regular old day.

I did eat way too many baby bel's. Maybe overindulgance causes nervousness! lol

I got a beautiful surprise today...

It's probably hard to read on here, but it is a handmade plaque for Maddie. My friend Lisa, a woman I met on my baby board almost 2 years ago made it in memory of Maddie and sent it to me. It arrived this morning and opening it brought the tears a-flowing.

I don't think I've ever been so touched that someone would do something like this for me. Most people in my life have already glossed over Maddie's passing - never mentioning it. Even Keith, on Sunday, when I was a bit down, had to ask why. He soon remembered when I gave him 'the look' and apologized. Sometimes, I feel like I am so alone in my grief, that no one remembers Maddie but me. Lisa proved to me that Maddie exists in other's minds and hearts as well. For that, I am thankful.

This is beginning to irritate me

I have signed into my Blogger account no less than 15 times this morning.
WHY CAN'T IT REMEMBER ME?

I click the little box.
I have not cleared cookies.

I don't know what I have to do to be deemed 'memorable' by Blogger.

Wah!

If the never-ending mail causes Postie's stress...

Then laundry is the SAHM's version of the mail. It.never.ends. There.is.always.more. It's a good thing I don't own a gun and I'm actually a pacifist.

Maybe we'll become a family of nudists? But then what would I wear on my fat days??

My first declaration: I am not the most organized person in the world. I wouldn't even hit the top 1000. It might even be safe to say that I wouldn't be in the top 1,000,000. It's that bad.

It's really funny to me as when I used to bring home a paycheck, I was a very organized worker. It's actually something I am proud of. Can I bring that ability home? Apparently not.

So, a week and a half ago, I went on a laundry obsession. I was going to catch up on the laundry.

10 loads washed, folded and stacked on the pool table. 3 loads actually put away. After this day of laundering until I passed out, I made the solemn vow to keep up on the laundry daily.

So today, a week and a half later, as I plowed threw a week and a half's worth of laundry (I need to work on keeping those solemn vow's), I realized that Keith does not understand my laundry rules.

1. The pool table is for the folding and stacking of clean laundry ONLY. Not when you throw your dirty laundry. The floor works fine for that.

2. Okay, actually #1 is my only rule. If you aren't passionate about something, you don't tend to make a lot of rules for that subject.

Anyhow, since neither of us put away any more of the laundry that I did a week and a half ago, it is now mixed in with Keith's dirty laundry. This is my punishment for being lazy...I know it.

Seriously, does the fun never end?

I keep clicking...

the "remember me" button as I sign into Blogger, yet it never does. I have to sign in everytime. I'm getting a complex here.

A Little Mommy Talk

A Little Mommy Talk Question for May 8th:
How much weight did you gain (w/ picture...are you brave enough:) )
and what did you like MOST about pregnancy?
What did you like the LEAST?

Emerson's Pregnancy: (July 2005-Feb 2006)

Excuse the stretch marks! They were there looooong before I got pregnant. This picture is the last belly shot I took - it was at 35 weeks (2 weeks before delivery).

How much weight did you gain (w/ picture...are you brave enough:) 22 pounds. However, I was significantly overweight to start with! lol

What did you like MOST about pregnancy? I LOVED feeling her move. I have many videos of Emmy moving around in my belly. It used to freak Keith out something fierce! *Think Alien movies lol. I also LOVED feeling free to show my belly off. As a fat woman, I always tried to hide my fat - I embraced my belly while pregnant.

What did you like the LEAST? At 22 weeks, I got PUPPPS, which you can actually see in the picture somewhat (red bumps above the stretch marks). It lasted until delivery at 37 weeks. It was seriously itchy and annoying.

Madison's Pregnancy: (November 2006 - March 2007)

How much weight did you gain? No pictures this time - sorry! lol Even though Maddie's pregnancy was only 1/2 as long as Emerson's, I gained the same if not more weight due to my blood pressure issues. One week I gained 11 lbs! ONE WEEK!

What did you like the MOST about pregnancy: The positive pregnancy test. Seeing Maddie on the u/s at 12 weeks. Feeling the tip-taps and flutters of early movement. Strangely, I also love the fact that I gave birth to her vaginally. Even though she was stillborn, it was such a different birth experience from Emerson's C-Section. In a way, I found it more empowering that my body went through it - if that makes sense! (I'm not dissing C-sections, I actually had planned to have a second C-Section if Maddie had been a term birth).

What did you like least about pregnancy: Leaving L&D ward after Maddie's birth without a baby. Nothing else comes close to that pain for me.

Emmy cracks me up!

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE the stage she is in right now? She's walking, she's learning to talk and picking up on SO much!

Today, as she was playing, she managed to get a hold of the cordless phone. She put it to her ear and said, in her high-pitched voice, "Hiiiii". It was PERFECT! She held it against my head as well, so I could talk. I took the phone away from her (as she enjoys pressing random buttons too much).

A few minutes later, she put an OB tampon container (trial size plastic container) to her ear, leaned over her mirror and said, "Hiiiiiiiii". I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long, long time.

That, of course, occured before she figured out how to climb the change table (see picture - she's standing ON her toy that she pushed over there) and get the box of wipes down. I found her surrounded by wipes she had pulled out. That's TWICE this week she's managed to get them!

Mother's Day Giveaway!

5 minutes for Mom is hosting this fabulous giveaway(s) for Mothers Day. Come enter - we all deserve a chance at this! You can win an Ipod Nano or other great prizes!

The Worst Day of my Life

I have only briefly mentioned Madison on my 'about me' part. It makes me feel guilty - like by not writing about her, I am not thinking about her. I know its not true - but it still causes my Mommy Guilt to come on full force.

So here, if anyone is reading, is everything there is to know about my Angel baby - Madison Kate.

Keith and I weren't trying for baby #2 by any means. On November 16th, when I saw those two lines show up on the First Response pregnancy test, I was stunned. Hello? Infertility for 3+ years? How could I possibly have an oops baby? Memories of my birthday, our hot tub, and I realized that yes, Jan, there is a Santa Claus. (oops wrong story).

After we were both shell-shocked, either way, we were happy. Em would have a sibling. A baby sister or brother, close to her in age. We could do this.

I had an ultrasound on January 10th and the baby looked great. Heartrate was 170 and looked like a baby - I was expecting it to still be blob-like. I was 11 weeks 4 days. My blood pressure had been giving us some issues and I had some WICKED morning sickness, but other than that, I was happily pregnant.

Fast forward to February. I had been sent to an OBGYN as my doctor didn't know how to treat the blood pressure. I did a huge amount of tests for the next month - blood at least twice a week, urine at the office (I was spilling protein already - +3 and +4), and a 24 hour urine collection. Nothing says fun like collecting your urine for 24 hours. One of my friends wanted to go out that day and I had to say, "I can't, I'm collecting my pee".

The song "I'm too sexy" just went through my head. Funny.

My results come back from my triple screen - baby's risk factor for Down Syndrome is raised to 1 in 62 (normal for my age etc would be 1 in 200). I am scheduled for ultrasound, genetics and an amnio in Vancouver at the end of February. (Vancouver is 800 kilometers away from here). My blood pressure is still high, I'm still spilling protein, and I'm praying for something to go right in this pregnancy.

Then came the worst day of my life so far. The trip to Vancouver.

Unbeknownst to me, my water broke on Feb. 25th as I slept. When I awoke to find wet sheets, I assumed (and I mean I absolutely believed this to be true) that I had peed the bed. I NEVER THOUGHT IT COULD BE MY WATER. Not once. I was 18 weeks, 2 days pregnant, and I figured my bladder got the best of me. Gross? Yes. Dire pregnancy emergency? No. In my defence, my water never broke with Em...I had a scheduled C-Section because she was breech. How was I to know? How I wish it WAS a simple pregnancy-induced incontinence.

Fast-forward to my trip to Vancouver later that day. I flew to Vancouver and went to the BC Women's Hospital for my ultrasound. I knew there was something wrong. The technician was having difficulty obtaining images, although what I saw seemed normal enough. We moved to a different machine, I got to pee twice, and then the hammer fell. Three people came into the room to say there was no amniotic fluid. That's when my heart skipped a whole lot of beats. From my obsessive reading, I KNEW this wasn't good. From the look on the Doctor's face, I KNEW this wasn't good. The Doctor wouldn't tell me anything except that I would see a Perintologist that afternoon to see if it was my water that broke. She didn't need to -my mind

was going to all the dark places.

I was sent upstairs to Genetics. I bawled through the entire meeting. Why were they asking me all these questions about our families? Did they not hear that I have no amniotic fluid? Didn't they know how bad that was? To be honest, I don't remember much of the appointment - just that I was surprised how young they were. One of them did give me a ray of hope by mentioning the AmnioPatch...where they can attempt to repatch the sack. I had assumed by this point that it was hopeless. This gave me hope.

I had lunch. I felt Maddie move. Just little tip-taps in my belly. Tip-tap Mommy, I'm still here. Don't be sad. Tip-Tap-Tip.

I met with the Perintologists, and they did a thorough examination. He took some swabs to check if it was my water that broke and went away for what seemed like forever. When he returned, and told me that it was my water that broke, I felt like the air was just sucked out of the examination room. It's been two months and typing that last sentence still makes me feel like I was punched in the gut.

I lost it. I couldn't get cell service in the hospital, and I needed to speak to Keith. I was alone in Vancouver and I was just told that my baby will die. That my labor needs to be induced. My daughter, Emerson, was at a sitter's for the very first time. In that moment, I have never felt so absolutely powerless, so absolutely, utterly alone.

I went outside to use my cell. There was a man whose wife just delivered their healthy baby girl an hour earlier. He was calling everyone he knew to tell them the happy news. I'm sorry Stranger Man, I thought horrible thoughts about you as I listened to you share your miracle, as I tried to see the numbers on my cell through my tears.

Luckily, Keith answered the phone at work. I couldn't even choke out a proper greeting. I was as close to hysterical as I've ever been. I tried to tell him but I couldn't get the words out. I tried to say something that could make him understand what had happened, and all I could muster was "Bad". I'm sure he couldn't understand what I was talking about, but knew that I was upset obviously.

We had a conversation, but I can't remember what, or if, I even said much. All I remember is I sat on a chair, between two newspaper boxes, and I was trying to calm down but I couldn't breathe. Hello? Hospital people? You may want to check on the hysterical woman about to lose it in front of the hospital. Hey cell phone guy? You must notice my obvious distress. Maybe go get some help? Nope - he's too busy phoning the 15th person since I started my breakdown. Oh, by the way, congrats buddy.

I made it back into the hospital. At some point, Keith and I ended our conversation, but I don't remember when or what was said. I text messaged my sister-in-law, and I called a cab to take me back to the airport to go home.

I broke down probably 1,937,200 more times while waiting for my plane. I cried when I thought about Emerson - and how she wasn't going to have a sibling after all. I cried when I saw a baby. I cried when I felt Maddie move. I cried when she didn't move. I cried in an airport full of people, and not ONE person asked if I was okay. Gotta love human kindness these days.

I made it home and I went straight to the bathroom. I had a bath. You aren't supposed to after your water breaks, but its not like there was a chance I was getting a healthy baby out of this deal.

Keith came upstairs and sat with me as I bathed. I bawled. I screamed at him. I told him horrible things like he had no clue how I was feeling, that he did not hurt like I hurt. All of that pain I felt, I took it out on him. I acted like a complete and utter bitch to him and he took it. He just sat there and took it with tears in his eyes. He got up and he said to me, "I hurt because you hurt."

I spent some time with Em before she went to bed, and I went to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 4 am, and I cried again. The skin under my eyes burned from wiping my tears so much. And hey, the fun was just beginning. I still had to deliver! However, I'll leave that story for my next post.

I Spork You

When she's being all cute in the swing (see right), she doesn't look violent. But don't let the smile and lil scrunched up nose fool you - she is more dangerous than she looks.

This morning, she woke up at 5 am. That in itself is painful enough, but she had more in store for me. As I got her to cuddle on me while laying on the couch, she was 'telling me a story'. It went something like this: Ahhh-baaaa-geeeen, Baaaaa-geeen-ooooh, Daaaaaa-baaaaaa-geeeen-ooooh and so on. I'm sure she was telling me about her dreams or of her plans for the day rather than casting a spell on me which is what it sounded like (think chanting). Every so often, she liked to make sure that I was still paying attention (I was awake, honest!) as she would pinch my chest. Owwww! Apparently I need to trim those finger nails again!

Then came the sporking incident. That sounds fairly dirty now that I see it in print. Really, it's not. A spork is her 'baby fork'. It's deep like a spoon, but has the tongs like a fork. Viola! I present the spork.

Anyhow, Emmy found a spork on the floor. After the pinching incident, I decided to put her on the floor so I could nap while she played. She found the spork, and decided to comb my hair with it as I laid on the couch. Awww, how sweet I thought until...

KNOT - Ouch Emmy!

That's my eye socket, not my hair, Emmy.

Please don't hit Mommy over the head with the Spork, Emmy.

Please don't hit Mommy in the face with the Spork, Emmy.

Please don't hit Mommy in the (insert body part here) with the Spork, Emmy.

Daddy, would you please take the Spork away from her? (I can't be the bad guy all the time lol)

I guess if I was up on my cleaning, there wouldn't have been a spork on the floor in the first place. But then I would have missed out on a powerful bonding experience with my daughter. At least, that's what I told Keith when he mentioned that fact.

So, that's my 14 month old love-of-my-life daughter who gets a bit violent with Mommy.

Emmy-ese

At 14 months old, Em has her own language that she is slowly assimilating us into. She's got her regular baby-babble, but there are things that I am sure she is saying and she knows what they mean.

Baff = Bath (She absolutely adores baths and will crawl to the gate to go upstairs once you say this to her)

Dad=Dad (Duhhh)

momomomomomom = Me (I am too important to just have one Mom LOL)

Bayyyyybeeeeee=baby

got=Yogurt (that one is a bit of a stretch, but she says it when she gets her yogurt in the morning)

Ah-Dite-Dite-Dite-Doooooooooooo = I don't know what this actually means, but I'm sure it's not nice as she says it when she's pissed off.

Hi=Hello, good morning to you. LOL (She says this in a really high-pitched voice and you have to say it back, therefore starting the conversation of hi's.

She now shakes her head 'no' (a new thing), can crawl UP a slide (with socks off of course) and wants so badly to use a spoon but her mean Mommy has had one too many spoonfuls of 'got' thrown at her this week. No Spoon For You!

Walking Emmy

Click the link to view... it will take you to photobucket. http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y283/TempAngel/?action=view&current=WalkingEm.flv

I STILL worry about her hips, even though she is meeting her physical milestones perfectly. Heck, I'll probably worry about her hips until she's in her 20's.

Time just flies...

when you are a Mom. Holy CRAP. I can't believe its been so long since I updated this blog. I will pay more attention to it now. I promise.

So much has happened.

1. As you can see from the pic, my baby girl is doing great. She's 4 months old today, and life just keeps getting better. I have never been so happy in my life as I have in the 4 short months that I have been her Mom.

2. She was diagnosed with Hip Dysplasia shortly before her second month 'birthday'. She wore a Pavlik Harness (an evil contraption that I hated more than she did) for 8 weeks. I am happy to say, her hips are normal and we are weaning her from it now. She had the three main risk factors for it, she was 1. a girl (obviously), 2. breech, and 3. first-born.

3. She sleeps through the night. This is the friggen life, I tell you. She goes to bed at 7 pm and sleeps till 7-8 am. Straight through. She's been doing it for the past month. The three month mark was such a big turning point for us with her sleep. Even then I couldn't complain too bitterly. She was sleeping from 7 pm till 4am. She would wake for a quick bottle and go back to sleep till 8 am. It's hard to remember the days when she would only sleep for 45 minutes at a time.

4. She laughs. Oh, how she laughs. It's the funniest damn thing in the world, and makes me crack up all the time. Sometimes she laughs at this silly lil duck she has, but usually she laughs whenever you swing her. Doesn't matter what direction, or the amount of movement...you move her around, and she will giggle. It's priceless.

5. Her reflux is much better. She still spews with the best of them, but at least its not the acid reflux anymore.

6. She's still fairly foliclly challanged. LOL Sometimes the hair she has looks blonde, sometimes brown, sometimes red...usually a mixture of the three. She's got a case of the baby pattern baldness going on, with the big bald spot on the back of her head. I hope it goes away by the time she enters college.

7. Oh, and I still haven't learned any baby songs. She's gonna get really sick of "You are my sunshine".

8. Finally, she beautiful. And there's not a moment I am looking at her that I am forgetful of just how lucky I am.

There's so much more, but it is late, and my brain is failing me.

My lil fuzzy Melonhead....

Okay, that's not my nickname for her, it's her fathers nickname for her. But it cracks me up when he says it in the "happy baby voice". Ahh, I can imagine the therapy bills now!

I realized today that I haven't updated my blog in awhile...Bad bad Mom.

Emmy is 8 weeks old today. This week (on the 20th) marks her official 2 month old birthday. It's amazing how fast time has gone, especially since I am awake for so much more of it! LOL

Emmy smiles a lot now (oh how I love that!), and she can hold her head up on her own quite well. But you must be very, very careful, since my daughter is a spaz, she will headbutt you and lean backwards so quickly that you will almost drop her if you don't pay attention! (Notice I said ALMOST drop her, I haven't dropped her, but I have so many many fears of doing it.) I did drop a baby bottle on her yesterday by accident. Luckily, it was empty and she was completely unfazed. I, however, was ready to call the authorities to turn myself in for child abuse.

She also has become quite adapt at grabbing my hair when she wants to, and/or shirt, Keith's chest hair, pretty much anything within her reach. She doesn't really reach for toys yet, she seems to enjoy causing us pain! LOL

Her weight continues to climb which is great! She weighed 9 lbs at the pediatrician office on Thursday. This put her up an entire weight percentile and turned out she gained 1 lb 3 ozs in a week!


Overall, she's a happy little baby who is as cute as can be. She has a few problems that I have mentioned before in my blog, but I will update them now.

Reflux: Her acid reflux sucks. I can't put a positive spin on it no matter how hard I try. If there is anything that is causing all of us extraordinary stress these past few weeks, it is this. She will eat (we burp her after every ounce of formula), she may spit up a bit after eating, which I consider very normal. I keep her upright for 30 minutes after the feed, where she will sleep with her head on my shoulder. She is then placed in her swing to keep her upright while she sleeps.

About an hour or two after the feed the fun begins. She will start to whimper in her sleep. Then, the whimpering will get louder, and she will begin to rub her face. All of a sudden, she will howl, and the cute lil child looks like an extra on the Exorcist set. It's crazy! Spew will come out her nose and mouth, she will be upset, and my heart breaks because there is nothing that I can do at the moment to take her pain away.

We have tried to switch formulas (this has been a problem since birth). We have tried thickening the formula. We tried dosing her with a small amount of Maalox after her feeds. This did cut down on the pain, but it also caused a HUGE case of diarrhea. She just started Zantac, however, at the moment it makes her puke more LOL. I also changed her formula one more time to the uber-expensive, guaranteed-no-allergies formula. It's worth a shot. The Pediatrician said it couldn't hurt, except the pocketbook! LOL

Her hips: She had an ultrasound on April 5th. Last week, we were called into the Ped's office for the exact reason I thought it was for. Her hips are bad. We have an appointment with the Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon on Wednesday. I am assuming they are going to want to put her in the Pavlik Harness to try to correct them. We will see.

Other than that, I am tentatively going to say that Emmy slept through the night for the very first time last night. Tentatively because I don't know that it will be an ongoing thing, but she did sleep for 7 hours straight. She fell asleep around 1:30 am early this morning, and when I got up at 8:00, she was still asleep. This has been the absolutely LONGEST she has EVER slept. I had to make sure she was still breathing when I awoke!

So, here's my tentative HAPPY DANCE! No true celebrations until she happens to do it again (tonight Em, sleep through the night again tonight! LOL).

How I know I am a Mom...Part III

So, I can't say that during my pregnancy I studied children's songs to prepare myself for singing to my child. So, I make crap up. It works, and she's too young to notice that I am changing words, or that I am the worst singer in the world.

(Childhood memories abound at my Father singing Little Drummer Boy, and when the par-rum-pa-pa-pum part comes in, he always sang, "Come rub a my bum".)

Mental note: Learn some friggen songs before she turns 1. And don't change words of songs to make them have a sexual meaning! LOL

So, as she was on my lap the other day, I am singing away to her. Since I am the person she sees the most, she's usually pretty happy no matter what I am doing with her (except giving her a bath or changing her diaper!).

As I sang, "I love you, you love me, that's cause I'm the Mom-my", my darling child decided on the last syllable to throw up on me. I won't even call it spit-up because there was so much of it. It was pooling in my bra.

Maybe 5 weeks 6 days is not too early to realize I am a bad singer? LOL

And that is reason # 5129742 that I now know I am a Mom.

How I Know I Am a Mom...Part II

Every Saturday night, Keith takes over Emmy duty for 2 of the 3 nighttime feedings. This allows me to go upstairs and sleep for an uninterrupted 7-8 hours of sleep. It's fabulous! He has Sunday's off, so he sleeps on and off during the night between feedings, and then I get up at 6 am, and take care of the feedings so he can sleep uninterrupted until about noon. It's the only day we both get enough sleep to feel rested! :-)

Now, prior to Emmy's arrival...did I ever think of how much uninterrupted sleep I got? Not really, unless it had been interrupted in some way (like in late pregnancy). I slept until either my alarm went off for work, or I woke up on my own.

Ahhh...back in the days...

Also, my weekends before Emmy were spent much differently. Usually, I would do nothing. And by nothing, I mean nothing that can be claimed as being efficient with my time. My routine (before pregnancy) was to shower, come downstairs, get a glass of Coke (my caffeine addiction), smoke some cigarettes, and check my email. That could easily fill 2 hours of my time. Eventually, I would go get some breakfast, get dressed, maybe throw a load of laundry in the washer, but usually, I would spend my Saturdays & Sundays being lazy.

Now, here we are, it is Sunday. This has been what I have done so far (and its 8:44 AM as I write this) After my alarm went off at 6 am, I...

• Went pee, brushed my teeth, but waited on the showering (because Emmy usually wakes up between 6-6:30 am for a feeding).
• Poured a glass of juice that I am finally enjoying now.
• Emmy started fussing, so I made the supplemental formula bottle, and breastfed her/formula fed her for an hour. Changed her diaper and her onesie. Put her back to sleep.
• Emptied the dishwasher.
• Handwashed the bottles that had accumulated last night and this morning.
• Folded the laundry that I started last night, put in another load. (3 loads washed, dried, folded and put away so far)
• Boiled water for formula.
• Found the laundry that Keith was hiding around the house.
• Picked up Keith's garbage since he's incapable at times of realizing we have a garbage can.
• Swept and mopped the kitchen floor.

Okay, so now I am eating some breakfast, waiting for the next load to be ready to be folded, and for Emmy's 9 am feeding. Crazy what my day entails nowadays! I wouldn't trade it, but I wonder how ANYTHING got done before. Some days I get frustrated because I can't get everything done that I wanted to, yet, even if I unload the dishwasher, that's still more than I used to do! LOL

On another note, I finally got invited to my own baby shower. I was wondering if someone was going to remember to invite me or not. It's today at 2 pm, so I figured someone would have to let me know! LMAO

It's been the worst kept secret ever. My friends don't really communicate with one another, so I didn't think I would actually have one. I found out from my coworker that it was planned for this Sunday (she wasn't going to tell me, but figured I knew about it anyhow).

At least I have time to get pretty! I was worried they wouldn't give me enough time to do anything, and all my pics would be me looking stunned and with bad hair. Now, I will at least be able to do something about the hair and makeup! (I always look stunned anyhow! LOL)

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

Emmy rolled over by herself on her 1 month birthday on Monday. She then got stuck on her belly and hollered! LOL

This picture cracks me up! My lil stunned bean! LOL

She's had a cranky day today, and I am tired...so there probably won't be anything remotely readable in here today. The nice thing is, she is being cranky to Keith too, so he doesn't think I make this stuff up! LOL

Speaking of her father...I am pissed off at him. Well, not as much as I was yesterday! I ended up having to work yesterday, as my office was really far behind. It was his day off, so he watched Emmy all day. I ended up working for 10 1/2 hours, was bone tired when I got home, and he wanted dinner! Yet, when I am the "stay at home" Mom, it's my job to cook. But even when I am the "working" Mom, it is still my job!

On top of that, he didn't wash any bottles - so there was a shortage of bottles when I got home. Did he put any of his dishes that he used during the day in the dishwasher? Nope. Did he put the dirty diapers in the garbage? NOPE! He left them in the changing area!!!

So, I came home to a house with dirty diapers on the floor, dirty dishes stacked up right beside the EMPTY dishwasher, and dirty bottles littering my counters. I could have MURDERED him when he had the gall to ask for dinner.

But, I restrained myself from causing him bodily harm. I simply picked up the phone and ordered pizza. LOL

MEN!!!

Something's Wrong - I'm Bored.

Emmy is sleeping soundly in the best $200 investment I ever made (the Fisher Price swing). Keith is sleeping on the Lazy-Boy chair. The dishes are washing, the laundry is done, and I watched Grey's Anatomy already. There is water for formula that is cooling, and the bottles are washed. I even had a 4 hour nap this afternoon so I am not tired at all.

It's official. I'm bored.

Is it bad to wish Emmy would wake up so I would have something to do?

I wonder how pissed off Keith would be if I woke him up because I am lonely? LOL

In other news...I think I finally realized I am a Mom today...

How I know I am a Mom:
1. My thoughts are consumed by my daughter. What she is eating, how much is she eating, is she wetting herself enough? Is she pooping enough? I actually asked Keith if he had a poopy diaper on his turn at diaper changes just because I hadn't had one (which reminds me, I have to change a really bad gross diaper here or at least pretend its really gross...he's had two bad diapers, and I have just gotten the wet ones LOL).

2. My conversations with my not-with-kid friends still revolve around Emmy. I have to stop this and remember what we used to talk about before I got pregnant! Otherwise, I can see my friendships heading south.

3. My shirts have white marks on the shoulders from burping Emmy.

4. Planning my day no longer entails what time I am leaving for work, and whether I have time to stop at Timmy's for an ice capp on the way. Now, I plan my day around when Emmy is awake, and it involves all the things I suck at. Washing dishes, bottles, making formula, laundry, the housewife stuff (okay, okay, and some Judge Judy at 3 pm - it's my guilty pleasure LOL). I have never had time go by so fast, nor feel like I can't get anything accomplished as I have lately. Some days I have all these great plans on things I will get done today, and the next thing I know, Keith is walking in the door, home from work. I do suck at being a housewife...but I am giving it an honest effort.

5. I have never felt like I have worked so hard without getting paid for it. Being a Mom is tough work, and she can't even talk back to me yet. The first month has been the month of the "adjusting", and I think we are finally getting the hang of it (without too many mistakes I hope!)

6. I have now written about "poopy diapers" in my blog. Add that to the reflux throwing up I posted a little while ago, and I think that qualifies me as a Mom now. Next up, the exciting article on the colour of Emmy's poop. I know you can't wait. LOL

7. Keith and I, well, we pretty much just revolve around Emmy. I know its bad, we need to focus on him and I occasionally. I was hoping to do that tonight (hee hee), however, he is snoring on the LazyBoy! LOL

I am sure I will think of some more...but I will need things for my next posting! LOL

Ut Oh! The Swing Broke!

The night before last, Emmy slept in her swing all night (besides the time for feedings). It worked great, and she sleeps sooooooo good in it, that it has become my Mommy crutch.

Our swing was an older Fisher Price Port-a-Swing that we inherited, but in good shape.

Yesterday, I noticed when I put Emmy in it that it seemed to be running quite fast. (It's always kept on the lowest speed). I took her out of it since my poor Bobblehead baby couldn't be in it while it was moving so fast. Keith looked at it when he got home, but he had no idea why it would be running so fast on the slowest speed (it seemed like it was stuck on the highest speed).

So, last night was a long night without my "crutch" of the swing. Emmy has a new thing about not sleeping in her bassinette (she will just start crying, no matter how asleep she was when you put her in there), so we spent the night alternating her between us. She will sleep like a log if she is on one of us, but it makes sleeping interesting for us! LOL

By 10 am this morning, I called Keith...I need a swing. I cannot do this without one. We can't afford it right now because my E.I. hasn't kicked in yet, but Mastercard will just get the minimum monthly payment until it does! LOL I couldn't sleep, wash bottles, or make formula with this sleeping baby on me (who would scream if I put her in the bassinette). And I don't have a sling yet...its coming. LOL

So, happily, I have a new swing. I bought a Fisher Price Aquarium Cradle Swing. It rocks. Emmy has been asleep in it for 3 hours. I LOVE this swing.

Pediatrician Appointment

My lil bean is sprouting away here. She weighed 6 lbs 13 ozs yesterday! Soon, she may actually fit all those clothes she has been given! :-)

There was some not-so good news given to me by the Pediatrician yesterday.

1. Her spitting up is reflux. Not too bad if we keep her upright after feedings. If we don't, you best take cover, because the spew will fly! She got me really well this morning after I fed her. I lifted her upright to burp her and she puked all down my tank top. Nummy. Good thing I hadn't showered yet. LOL If it gets worse, we will medicate her (if she were to stop gaining weight for example) but right now its just a wait and see approach.

2. Her hips are clicking. She was a breech baby, firstborn and a girl, which are the three common markers in baby's born with hip dysplasia. We have an ultrasound booked in early April to determine whether she has it or not. If she does, it may require her wearing a brace-like device for a few months, or worst, surgery. This makes me incredibly sad...I don't want to see my daughter bound up, or having to face surgery! :-( But I know, whatever it takes to get it fixed.

3. She has a slight heart murmur. I am hoping she will simply outgrow this and its not something serious, but it has me worried. No mom wants to hear that there could be something wrong with their child! The Pediatrician will recheck her heart in 4 weeks.

She still has good nights and bad nights when it comes to sleeping. Good nights, she sleeps in 3 hour sessions, feeds, and then goes back to sleep. Bad nights, it's every hour, or she doesn't sleep at all. She is a sweet baby, and I am totally in love with her. Although, I think I might love her just a teensy bit more when she stops screaming at diaper changes and sleeps through the night! LMAO

Can't sleep...

It's funny. I have been complaining about how utterly exhausted I have been the last while, and now, when I have some time to sleep, I can't.

Emmy is sleeping soundly in her swing (what a wonderful invention!), Keith is asleep on the Lazyboy chair, and I should be snoring on the couch. But instead, I sit here, typing babble.

I am thinking of ditching breastfeeding alltogether now. It gives me great amounts of guilt to consider it, however, it is causing a lot of stress in the daily life. My milk has never fully come in, meaning that there is lots of pumping involved trying to stimulate my milk production. Even if I pump before a feeding, I only am able to pump less than 1/2 an ounce. Good thing Emmy is being supplemented with formula, otherwise she would starve on that! LOL

On top of that, I find that I am still very uncomfortable breastfeeding. It just doesn't seem to be natural to me. Which is quite funny, since it is one of the most natural things in the world. Emmy has a great latch, even though she has had bottles as well. It is still as awkward and foreign to me as the first day I did it. I don't know. I just don't feel comfortable when I do it. However, I will keep at it and hope it gets better.

Emmy is gaining weight well, she weighed 6 lbs 4.5 ozs on Tuesday's Doctor's appointment. My liver has not rebounded from pregnancy yet, and I now have the old alcoholic man's disease of Gout. My doctor assures me it will go away once my liver is better. We will see.

Have I mentioned how cute my daughter is recently? She is so much more alert now, looking at you rather than through you. While on her activity mat the other day, she hit her rattle and she followed the noise it made. All great developments!

On a sad note this past week, I seem to have lost one of my best friends. Obviously, I won't air all the dirty laundry for the world to see, but due to circumstances out of our control, we can no longer talk. This saddens me as I miss him terribly. For the past four years, we have never gone more than a week without an email (and usually conversation occured daily) and now, there is no communication. It is so hard, as there is so much I want to tell him. I find myself typing emails only to discard them, as I know I can't send them. Life goes on, I guess. I just pray that we will be able to resume contact soon. I hate the feeling that I need to grieve the loss of this friendship, as I don't want to let this relationship go.

Happy Two Week Birthday, Emmy!

My baby is two weeks old today!

I can't believe how fast the last week has gone. I just want to freeze-frame her so she doesn't change too fast! (Well, I could handle if she stayed this small AND learned to sleep through the night!)

Keith has been amazing. He has never been around babies before, and he is an absolute pro! Twice now, he has let me sleep through the whole night, yet he hasn't been able to yet. I don't know what I would do without him!

There are so many things that make me melt when I look at her...

When she falls asleep feeding...she fights it for a few moments, and then just gives in to slumber. There is NOTHING more beautiful in this world than a sleeping newborn in your arms.

Her little fingers and little toes...

Her little pointed ears (they are getting less Spock-like by the day).

Her facial expressions that change constantly. She has this new one that looks like she is saying "Who" with her lips pursed. It's so cute!

Whenever Keith sings to her, kisses her, and holds her. It's so beautiful watching him with his daughter. I gotta get him a better song selection though, he was singing the "Spiderman" theme song to her the other day. LOL


Things that make me giggle...

When she bonks her hand on the bassinette and cries for a brief moment. You hear this "Thunk" and then she cries for a brief moment. I really have to pad the sides of the bassinette! She does this 3-4 times a day! LOL

When she is rooting and looking for food, no matter who's holding her at the time. It's especially funny when she's trying to find Keith's breast! LOL She's a wild kid when she's hungry! She will headbutt you - so you have to watch out! I have been nailed a few times now.



Our lives have changed so much in the last two weeks. I wouldn't change a moment of it. The amnesia they say occurs about the pains of pregnancy, and childbirth is true. I know I had a rough time at the end of my pregnancy, and I absolutely had a horrible C-Section, but I would do it all over again. It almost saddens me to think that I won't be having another child.

She's only two weeks old and I want to do it all over again. Scary!

Have to run, she just bonked her hand on the bassinette! LOL

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world...

Since Emmy has come home, life has been completely altered from my previous existence. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I had some breastmilk issues, and Emmy had some weight gaining issues, so we began to supplement with formula. Good news, Emmy is back up to her birth weight, and sleeps for 2 hour stretches at a time! Wooohooo!

The lack of sleep that everyone warns you about is about 100 times worse than they say. But, when you look into your child's eyes as they are feeding, no matter how sleepy you are, it is absolutely, utterly worth every moment.

I love spending my days with her. I have only been out once without her since bringing her home, and I missed her the entire time I was gone. (And I bought a bunch of stuff for her! LOL) The other night, she was happily laying underneath her activity mat, and I had to pick her up for some "Emmy snuggles".

She makes me laugh with her "grunts", her whines that sound like a car with a bad fan belt, her funny facial expressions and when she smacks her hand against the side of the bassinette and it makes her cry momentarily. I know its bad to laugh at that, but she keeps doing it!! I think I need to pad the sides of it!

I never thought I could love something so much, so entirely, so consumingly. She is part of me. I don't know how I deserved to be blessed this much, but I thank God for giving me this miracle.

Day Four - Going Home

This is my favorite picture of Emmy from the hospital. Oh, it makes me giggle. She's too damn cute. And could the sleeper be any bigger on her? LOL

On Day Four, I pretty much demanded to go home from the hospital. I waited for Emmy's Pediatrician to release her, and for my Doctor's to release me. I was DONE with being at the hospital. I couldn't sleep well because there was construction going on during the day in the ward, plus the nurses who kept coming in to painfully poke my belly. Emmy didn't sleep very well at night, needing feedings every hour. So, basically, I never slept, which didn't help my emotions.

We were released and our new little family made our way home. As soon as I was home, I felt so much better. To be able to nap, to have Keith's help with Emmy, it was such a good feeling.

Emmy was still demanding once an hour feedings throughout the night, which made it very difficult sleep-wise since I had the breasts LOL. However, with Keith's help on these days, when she did sleep longer, I was able to nap.

Day Two with my Bean

I can't get over the fact that my little Emmy is already 11 days old. How fast time is flying (and how little time I have for updating my blog! LOL) I want to write these thoughts down though before I forget them.

I never fathomed that I could love someone so deeply. That bond that they talk about between a Mom and her children is truly remarkable.

She is a beautiful baby (although I may be biased). She has this light brown/sandy blonde hair, and these amazing deep blue eyes. I am not sure that the eyes will stay that colour, since she is so young, but they are so beautiful.

Day Two: Emmy was still in the Special Care Nursery, but I got to go see her in the morning to feed her. The evil nurse from hell made me walk halfway there. I know that movement after a C-Section is supposed to help recovery, but it hurt so much. The pain was worth it when I saw my sweet little baby in the bed waiting for me. I had only seen her for a moment the night before, and I was pretty drugged up, so this was my first bonding chance with her.

I held Emmy, and we learned how to breastfeed. It's not an easy thing to do for either of us. I know with practise it will get easier, but it was very awkward in the beginning. On top of it, I only had a small divider in front of me, so one side of us was exposed. This made me feel self-conscious, as there were other people in the nursery (not staff) and here I was with my boob exposed.

Keith came to visit around noon and came for the feeding. Emmy still had monitors attached to her and an IV which almost made me cry, but she was doing really well. At 7 pm, she was released from the Special Care Nursery and came to stay with me in my room. It was hard to care for her while trying to recover from the C-Section, but with the nurses help, I did manage.

The C-Section was painful. Anytime I had to get up or down, I cried...it hurt so bad. They only had me on Tylonel 3's and they weren't touching the pain.

Regardless of all of the pain, it was so good to have Emmy with me, I felt like I had a chance to bond with her, in the privacy of my room, and get to know this little girl who had been kicking and squirming in my belly for the past 9 months.

Welcome to the world, Miss Emerson Faith....

On Monday, February 20th, 2006 at 7:39 PM, my life was changed forever.

That is when my beautiful daughter, Emerson Faith, was born.

This is her birth story...


I found out on February 19, 2006, that I would be having a C-Section delivery the following day. I had planned to work on February 20th & 21st to finish training my replacement at work, but apparently, my doctor had other plans!

After a stressful Sunday night frantically packing, occasionally freaking out, and Keith saying, "Can't you just tell him Friday (the original C-Section date) would be better?", I didn't have much sleep. I emailed everyone to let them know the change in date, and tried to relax.

Monday morning, I went into work and did whatever training I could in the hour and a half that we had before I had to be at the hospital. I left for the hospital at 9:30 am, and arrived by 9:45 am to get checked in.

I got settled into my room at the Maternity ward, and they had my IV started. No one knew when the surgery would be that day because it was considered an emergency and I was third on the list. Keith arrived at the hospital at noon and we spent the day waiting. I had been fasting since the night before, and the wait was very hard.

At 5 pm, we got the news. The surgery would be at 6:30 PM. Now the shock sets in. We are actually going to have this baby today! They come to "take me away" (haha) at 5:30, and Keith goes to the Labor and Delivery area to get suited up.

They take me to the OR wing, where I sit in a wheelchair while the Operating Room is prepared. The team of doctors (it still amazes me how many there were) start to assemble and introduce themselves to me. I was starting to freak out a bit, as it was getting very close, and very real!

I get wheeled into the OR, and I sit on the table to get the spinal block put in. This was the negative part of my birth experience. It took over 45 minutes for the anesthesiologist to get the spinal block in the right part of my spine. My back looks like a pin cushion. Twice, while trying to find the spot, she sent burning pains down my left leg. I was bawling, tense from the pain, and so utterly scared. Once she got the spinal in, and it started to work, I felt more relaxed. (And, that is the coolest feeling...your bum gets warm and your legs get tingly LOL).

Once I am laying down, they get me prepared. They put the drape up, test the skin to see if I am frozen or not, and get ready to go. Keith comes in at this point, dressed up like a Doctor on ER. It was so good to see him and it relaxed me to have him there.

As they started the surgery, I felt lots of pressure. I was warned of that. It was a surreal experience - being awake and being operated on. Keith and I just kept looking at each other, as neither of us were really comfortable.

The pressure seemed to hit a peak and I cried out. It was just pressure I was feeling, but it still hurt to a degree. It was forgotten when I looked past Keith and saw a nurse carry this tiny little human over to the team of Doctors waiting at the incubator.

I watched as they put the baby on the table, and I asked why the baby wasn't crying. They assured me that some babies don't. I kept looking and the baby kept looking at me. Finally, I think the shock wore off and I asked, "What is it?". No one had told me the sex yet! LOL
The nurse said, "It looks like a girl to me."
I looked at Keith and I said, "We have a daughter. I have a little girl." and I bawled.

The doctors were working on her, and my doctors were working on getting me back together. The pediatrics doctor told me that they were taking Bean to the Special Care Nursery because she was grunting. To me, that sounded like the funniest thing ever. Keith followed them to the nursery.

It was after all this excitement that I realized that I could feel my abdomen. Not just pressure, but what started as a burning, stinging pain. I tried to tell someone, but everyone was busy. As it got worse, I complained more, and they assured me it was just pressure. I said, "If pressure feels like burning, stinging pain, then sure." Suddenly, the anesthesiologist started pushing a needle into my IV. Seems that pesky spinal block wasn't working. And that is a feeling I won't easily forget! LOL

It seemed to take forever to get my abdomen sewn up. It was excruiciating. They kept saying, "just a few minutes more." I started to think they were lying. LOL

Finally, they were done. They transfered me to another bed and off to recovery I went.

The blessed nurse in recovery gave me some drugs in my IV for my abdomen. However, they also gave me Oxytoxin to start my uterus to contract. Oh, that was painful. No matter how much morphine they gave me, it felt like my abdomen was on fire.

Finally, Keith comes into recovery. I ask him how Bean is. He show's me the picture on the digital camera (the one above) and says, "She's perfect." The grunting she was doing is common in C-Section babies as the uterus never contracts to help clear the babies lungs of fluid. The doctors had her on an IV because her blood sugar was low (all that damn fasting, I tell you!) and they were watching her overnight in the Special Care nursery. But other than that, Keith assured me she had 10 fingers and 10 toes and was perfect.

Keith kept going back and forth from recovery to the Special Care Nursery. It seemed to be forever before I was wheeled up there to have my first good look at my daughter. Although, I couldn't hold her, I could tell one thing when I looked at her in the bed...Keith was right, she was perfect.

Stat's
Name: Emerson Faith
Birth: Feb 20, 2006, 7:39 PM
Weight: 5 lbs, 11 ozs
Height: 19.25"
Hair: light dusting of brown hair
Eyes: Blue

I Jinxed Myself - 37 weeks

I jinxed myself. Keith and I cleaned all day as it was our last full day off together before Bean arrives.

I washed all of Bean's clothes and blankets. I had just finished folding the clothes and the phone rang. It was my Doctor.

I am going in tommorow morning to get checked in and hydrated. I will be a Mom sometime tommorow!

Scary!

Yikes!

Gotta go pack my bag!

YIKES!!

Bear with me. Even though I have had 5 hours to digest everything that the OBGYN told me today, I am still COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT!!! LOL

Baby Bean will be joining this world NEXT WEEK! The latest date will be February 24th.

Bean is still breech, but I did know that. I assumed we would move on to discussing having a version done to switch his/her position. However, since my liver enzymes are abnormal (the OBGYN checked them to see if it was the cause of my rash), he does not want to attempt one.

So, when he brought up the C-Section, I assumed he would book me for 39 weeks or so. Nope. He wants to do it as soon as possible after I am 37 weeks. Which is next week. ACK!

He has an OR day for Feb 24th. That's the latest Bean will be born. He is going to try to borrow some OR time from another doctor to do it earlier in the week. I will find out my actual C-Section date later this week.

I have a non-stress test booked for Wednesday. Surgery and Bean's arrival next week. SCARY!!

I haven't quite processed all my thoughts about having the C-Section. Keith and I are quite sure that this will be our only child. Because of this, I feel like I will miss out on a part of childbirth by having the C-Section. I won't experience my water breaking, or real labor contractions. But, Bean will be here, so that will make it worthwhile.

It better be a girl...we still haven't figured out the whole circumcision thing yet and we don't have an agreed upon boy's name.

LOL

Random Vents (And Not Pregnancy Related For Once!)

What is with networks repeating the SAME commercials over and over and over again?

I swear if I see Halle Berry say, "FabUlash" ONE MORE TIME tonight, I will start DVR'ing ALL my television programs so I can fast forward through these annoying things.

Or, Keith's favorite, the pad commercial that asks women, "Does your pad ever get wet and sticky?" Come on now, I GET periods and I am grossed out!! Then in the commercial, they pour that special blue liquid on the pad and the "reporter" dabs it against her shirt to show how "dry it is". Since WHEN does that little bit of blue liquid even COMPARE to what a normal cycle is?

If they think I am going to go out and buy some FabUlash mascara or some non-sticky friggen pads, they can think again. I will avoid them solely for the fact that these commercials irritated me.

Okay, so I might just be cranky tonight. Bah!

36 Weeks!

Overview
Due Date: 03/12/2006
Week: 36+0 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 34 weeks

Daily Info Tibit
Your Hospital Bag: By now you've probably already packed your hospital bag and have it waiting by the front door if you are very organized.

Umm, nope. I still haven't done that yet. Probably because I am the most disorganized person on the planet! LOL

Mental note: Get the hospital bag ready.

I think part of my reluctance to get the bag ready is simply the feeling that I am going to be pregnant forever! LOL

28 Days remain until my due date
7 days remain until I am considered full term

Okay, those stats make me feel like I won't be pregnant forever.

Since last night, I have felt really HEAVY. I don't know what the change is, but I am just feeling so much more like a Bavarian smokie sausage that's been in the boiling water a little too long. My back has been very achy, so that never helps!

We had our first trip to the L&D last Thursday because I woke up in pain. I didn't think it was labor (which it wasn't) but I was diagnosed with an irritable uterus. Well, I could have told them that, I am irritable, why wouldn't my uterus be irritable too? LOL

I keep looking for signs that my body is getting ready to go into labor. I will probably drive myself crazy for the next 4 weeks. I check for discharge, I wonder if my back spasms are the beginning of labor, or just that my back is spasming.

I see the OBGYN tommorow to see if Bean has flipped. I know he/she hasn't yet, as I can feel his/her head just under my ribs. So, I don't know if he will push for a C-section or try to do the manual turning of the baby. The manual turning scares me a bit. I have heard it is quite painful, and there are risks to the baby (cord entaglement etc). And sometimes, even if they manage to flip baby around to the proper position, the baby flips back to being breech before delivery.

But, I will wait and see on what he suggests to do. I have been doing my exercises to flip baby, much to Keith's amusement. (The ass in the air, on all fours, head on the ground) The OBGYN says they don't work, but I thought it couldn't hurt!

And tommorow, I start training the person who will replace me for the next year at work. Yikes, I only have 7 more working days left! Now that is scary!

35 Weeks!

Overview
Due Date: 03/12/2006
Week: 35+0 days
Month: 9
Trimester: 3
Fetus Age: 33 weeks

Wow! Month 9! That's a bit scary! LMAO I think I might be having a baby soon! ACK! LOL

35 days till my due date
45 days till the induce if I am overdue
14 days till I am considered full term!!!!

All is well on baby front. I have my last bi-weekly doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Then, I start going weekly until birth. I see the OBGYN on February 13th to see if Bean has flipped from breech or not. I don't think he/she has yet, but there is still time!

I gave my notice at work on Thursday. It was a weird feeling. It was even stranger to see my job being advertised in our daily paper on Saturday. It must have taken me over 2 hours to write my letter, and I am not quitting, simply going on maternity leave! Well, I have the excuse that I have never done it before! LOL

So, my last day of work should be around February 21/06. That puts me at 37 weeks pregnant - a little earlier than I wanted to go off, but it works with the scheduling at work, and also it works in case I do need a C-Section and they want to do it earlier than 40 weeks. I want to have some time off between working and baby to get the house together and to have some "me-time".

Hopefully, we can get someone good in next week to train and all will be good.

As far as symptoms go, heartburn has increased dramatically. It's yucky. Other than that, I am finding it far more difficult to move around, but I better adapt since it is just going to get worse in the next few weeks! LOL